― Marilyn Monroe | ThinkPozitive.com — with Sumit Kumar Jangid.
“just because you fail once, it doesn't mean you're going to fail at everything. keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself because if you don't, then who will? so keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
― Marilyn Monroe | ThinkPozitive.com — with Sumit Kumar Jangid.
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They taught us so much in school and college but never to love one self. “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
– Lucille Ball. ❤️ We are all very powerful, provided if you know how powerful you are. Don't forget; we are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and adventure to discover our own special light. To love oneself is the beginning of a incredible adventure. Be confident. Be bold. Wake up everyday and tell yourself that you have unlimited power inside of you. You choose the way you live. So live it and love it and most importantly love yourself. For those of you that can agree and relate, 2015 was an intense year.
For me, I had started my first year of varsity specializing in accounting. I moved to a new place where I knew no one, started a very time consuming coarse, and I had gone into the year scared and fearful. To recap, I really struggled. Academically I did really well and I have been accepted to go on to my second year. However, because of life pressures, and feeling very alone, as I had made no friends, I really struggled. In November 2015 I ended up in a clinic one again (my 9th time). Once again I feel I had failed another year and failed myself. Unfortunately, I struggle to cope with life itself. Now 2016, as I am writing this, I find myself in the clinic again. The last couple of months I have been very rundown and unhappy. This time however is different. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, and for this year to be bigger and better I have realized I need to change my game plan. Whilst being in the clinic I underwent a new treatment- Ketamine infusion. I will write more about that later. I also realized that this year I need to do things very differently if in order to survive life. What am I struggling with at the moment; University: I don’t know if this is the right degree for me. This double-minded thinking can really take its toll on me. My best friend told me the other day that I need to go within in myself and listen to what my soul is trying to tell me. I need to be honest with myself. Having stopped and started degree after degree because of this illness becoming to overwhelming, I have however decided that I need to finish this. Imagine how amazing I am going to feel knowing I completed something whilst struggling with this disease day in and day out. Rejection: Last year I made no friends. I felt lonely and empty inside. I was so ill and negative that I believed I was not good enough for anyone. I felt as if I was not worthy to have any friends. I am struggling with self-love and if I don’t love myself, I often ask myself “why would others.” AND in order to avoid disappointment I started to believe, why try at all. Confidence and self love. I live in constant fear and anxiety. I always worry what others think or will think of me. I often compare my life to others, which does take its toll on my confidence. I always doubt myself. I am very indecisive and don’t believe in my own decisions that I always rely on others to make decisions for me. I struggle with the fact that I don’t know who I am anymore. Fear has robbed me of my confidence. I am always telling myself it wont work in order to avoid disappointment. I live if the “what ifs” or the “if only”. I struggle with failure and recovering from setbacks. I struggle to take action. With all of this I have lost total confidence within myself and instead of trying to stand out, I shrink back. How is 2016 going to be different?
If you can relate I ask that you also start setting yourself goals this year. START SMALL. Even if you only try and accomplish one thing per week; be it by writing one thing you love about yourself, having a gratitude list, seeing your therapist, putting yourself out there and talking to a stranger be it only 5 minutes. Living with depression and borderline personality disorder is very difficult. Faith and hope can only take us thus far and thus we need to step out and take action. All the best for 2016 and I hope you will also find comfort in this blog and know that you are not alone in your pain and struggles. You are a beautiful, capable, courageous being and you need to start believing and fighting for a better life! i came upon this today and thought i have to share this. If you have come to my sight and watching this right now, know there is a reason why you had to watch this specific video right now. diary of a survivor.
I have survived. Back at varsity second semester. I have a feeling these 6 months are going to be different. I can just hope that good and positive things will happen. Today i started setting daily intentions. First it was to open myself to life and the possibilities it may offer, i opened myself up to people and along todays journey met interesting ones. My second intention was to just push through,make it through the day. Although my third which was to exercise was not achieved, I WILL achieve that tomorrow. Today i realized i am grateful for this opportunity to make something of myself in life. I am grateful for my family and their love, support, and ability to accept and forgive me. The lesson i learned today is to not care what others think. Be who you are and if you not happy with yourself...CHANGE IT. We have the ability to grow and evolve each and every moment of each day. Sorry for the short post. On to the next. so i know its been a very long time.
So what is new? well, i started studying again this year.Accounting to be exact. at age 23. I must say although its been very difficult, i made my first semester which is something i can be very proud of. However, for the "normal" person(normal in the sense as not being touched by this disease), studying is a difficult and stressful journey. For me my senses of anxiety and stress are heightened and every day I wake up, confronted by my other "sick" self, plagued by the fact that without my medication things would be a lot different. its been difficult but i am making it. the 10th of April i lost a very dear friend to depression. It was very difficult for me. When i met him, we both were in the exact same bout. Fighting the same demons, sharing the same dark thoughts and in this we were connected. Loosing him scared me as it made this disease that much more real. The possibility of be killing myself became more real but also more impossible as i would never want to hurt others as he hurt me. It was a huge loss. And i still think about him every single day. I know he is in a better place as life was just not meant for him and i know he is dancing with the angels above, finally smiling, but it doesn't make it any easier for those he left behind. May you rest in peace my dear friend. Its a funny thing this blog. So many times i am tempted to delete it, to delete my past. But today as i came on, i received a message. "am i okay? please can i write again, it kept someone going." That in itself keeps me going. People don't realize that their participation in this blog helps keep it going so please do not stop. Yesterday i met a old dear friend. However in that i was confronted by my past. When i feel down or majorly depressed, to the point that i cant get out of bed, i think THAT IS BAD. BUTTTT yesterday i realized that is nothing compared to how bad things actually use to be. I got home, terrified, scared for the first time in a long time, as I CANNOT GO BACK TO WHERE I USE TO BE….I might not be where i want to be, but thank god i am not where i use to be. feeding my demons with alcohol and drugs, trying to kill myself and exposing this to my little sisters and mom who care so much for me…my mom having to often search the streets for me….it was a very dark and self destructive path and i REFUSE to ever allow myself to go back there because it was just a path of loss, confusion and loosing myself bit by bit everyday. My sister calls me strong. My other sister is angry at this disease. My mom, paranoid every day. The past still haunts us. The disease is still ever present and powerful. Me strong? i never thought that until i realized yesterday how far i have actually come. Its unbelievable actually. And although i cannot apologize to my family enough for scaring them during this dark and depressing journey, their love for me, still now, after everything, is incredibly humbling. I have decided i will not delete this blog but i will continue fighting and continue pouring my soul out onto these pages. Thank you. Although i have not kept this going, you guys have, and that in itself means the world to me. Still alive. Still fighting. Less and less a victim and more of a victor. thank you. So although this blog is to inspire, i wouldn't be human if i were to say i don't have my down days. Today i read a powerful message about the power of prayer and creating a prayer-chain.
Recently, i have been going through a really bad time. My depression has hit a all time low and the feelings of hopelessness and loss of faith have been very strong. I have to be honest with you and say that the thought of suicide has seemed like the only option a lot lately. I have unfortunately been sucked into that dark pit of despair and thus if you reading this i ask that you will please pray for me. I ask that you please pray for my health and wellbeing, and for God or your other higher power to please just bless me with the courage and strength to persevere. I know prayer is very powerful and thus i know that if a whole group could just pray for me, the power of it could be infinite. Thank you so much. God bless. "She needed a hero so thats what she became." So often we expect our purpose to knock on our door while we banging so hard at the same wall we want the door to to appear at. So often we expect a phone call from God regarding our lives after he has showed us so many signs and opportunities, all we need to do is get up and grab them. So often we wait for that 'person' to come fix what is wrong, but perhaps its time to stop feeling sorry for yourself, take YOUR life into YOUR hands and become your own hero of your story. So often the story starts with you having to stop complain and just get up. Get up today. I dare you. WATCH THIS>> You wont regret it. Last Saturday i started attending my friends Kundalini Yoga. This type of yoga is very powerful and one must watch out what state you in as it can bring up a lot of things and emotions.
Kundalini Yoga What is Does Kundalini Mean? The Kundalini is untapped energy (prana) at the base of the spine that can be drawn up through the body awakening each of the seven chakras. Full enlightenment occurs when this energy reaches the crown chakra at the top of the head. Kundalini energy is often represented as a snake coiled at the bottom of the spine. Focus on Breath and Movement Each Kundalini Yoga asana series is done with a specific breathing technique that intensifies the effects of the poses with the purpose of freeing energy in the lower body and allowing it to move upwards. Kundalini sequences (called kriyas) may consist of rapid, repetitive movements done with in conjunction with a designated breathing method or holding a pose while breathing in a particular way. What to Expect in a Kundalini Class A Kundalini class begins with a short chant followed by a warm-up to stretch the spine and improve flexibility. The main work of the class is called a kriya, which is a proscribed sequence of poses and pranayama that focuses on a precise area of the body. The teacher typically does not make manual adjustments. The class ends with a meditation, which may be accompanied by the teacher playing a large gong, and a closing song. Kundalini devotees often wear flowing white robes and head wraps, but don't feel obligated to adopt this style of dress when you take class. http://yoga.about.com/od/kundaliniyoga/a/kundalini.htm WHEN i was meditating towards the end i started seeing a butterfly in the back of my head. Looking this up, apparently it means the following; "The butterfly is one of the most emblematic totem animals symbolizing personal transformation. If you see the butterfly as your totem or spirit animal, pay attention to the areas in your life or personality that are in need of profound change or transformation. Perhaps, this animal totem guides you to be sensitive to your personal cycles of expansion and growth, as well as the beauty of life’s continuous unfolding. An important message carried by the spirit of the butterfly is about the ability to go through important changes with grace and lightness. " What is the meaning of the butterfly? This animal totem is primarily associated with symbolism of change and transformation.
http://www.spiritanimal.info/butterfly-spirit-animal/comment-page-17/ Very interesting. To reflect on this week.
I learned how to deal with disappointment. In fact i had to make a sane choice (insanity; doing the same thing over and over expecting different results), by putting someone, that was only hurting me and not adding any value, out of my life. On Tuesday i went to a model casting where i was to act and pretend; I am lying on the beach and all of a sudden i remember how “wonderful life” is and i start to “embrace” it. The audition ended in a flop. However, I have realised that i am still rather ill and although i am not there yet, i need to be patient with the process of getting better and one day i will be alowly start feeling those pockets of happiness again. Wednesday i realised that i actually have the ability to feel anger, and one should not be feeling guilty about this, if directed in the right way. People are going to let you down and instead of exploding within, sit with the feeling, then calmly speak to that person and tell them how you feel. Thursday i learned that my relationship with my step dad’s still has a long way to go. And i learned that when i go study next year; i need to find a work/pleasure balance, something i have never been good at. Instead of making my studies my whole life and ending up being unhappy, i need to incorporate my other hobbies into my life to make it meaningful. Just because i am at a place in my life where i can study again, a degree(the external) does not have to become your life, what you do in-between can add to your purpose in life too. Work does not have to equal purpose or your entire life’s meaning or message. Today i visited the university and realized how many internal changes i will have to make in order for my world and the varsity life to synchronize. I need to learn coping skills. However it is Friday. Time for some rest. Good night xx |
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