Whilst this was happening, i had to go to a clinic for 3 weeks as i was feeling a lil flat and had to regulate my new medicine. There i met a lady by the name Pauline. Me and her became best friends and i now see her as my fairy god mother. Kind. compassionate. funny.
Her daughter also suffers from mental illness and started wanting to commit suicide at a very early age. This pressure, and fear based relationship is one of the reasons Pauline ended up in the clinic.
The day i met her i thought she was a mother of a patient as she asked me all these questions in which we realized i can relate a lot to her daughter.
The day we met i could also immediately see my moms suffering, pain, and sadness in her eyes and i have promised myself no matter what, i will fight for my life no matter what it takes. Again there was a reason for this short traveled journey which i tend to get very tired of.
My sister's friends mom must be in so much pain after loosing her only son. After seeing this painting he painted before he passed, posted by his mother on Facebook, i decided to write a in-memory-of poem.
I know you are hurting because I was your only son
I am sorry that you had to find out that way
With only a letter, with all I could say
I’m sorry that you had to find me like that
That the silence in my room was what drew you in in fact
I know it must have been hard when you realized I was gone
That when the wind came howling through my window you had to look down
My blood surrounding me, on the streets of town.
The sirens, the people and all the commotion
The blood, the faces, "you see" -GOING- seemed like the only potion
I know you might never understand
But I want you to know, although invisible, I will always be holding your hand
I am sorry mom that it had to end this way
But I am finally at rest, and more that okay
They say in order to sail you must have the courage to loose sight of the shore
I just couldn’t hold on to drowning anymore
And as I stood on the edge of that deck
I knew my life was a unfixable wreck
The sun in my face
The shadows behind my back
That’s where all the monsters usually like to attack
I have heard people say “destroy what destroys you right”
But what if the thing destroying you is yourself, and you can no longer put up a fight.
I was broken. Crippled crying inside.
Behind a big smile and my music is the only place I found comfort to hide.
But I am finally at peace and no longer in pain
And you should know you are never to blame
How could you even comprehend this unexpected event?
That I had decided to stop paying god’s rent.
You did all you could by giving me all your love
Trying to make me forget all life's stuff
Just know I am smiling, filled with laughter and light
Inside I am shinning so bright
I know it wasn’t my time to leave yet
And you are sitting with regret
I am sorry mom for leaving you all alone
But just know that god has forgiven me, and I have sat besides his thrown
I am happy. I am free. I can now finally be.
So just remember that even though you cannot see me I am there.
And I am sitting beside you every time you busy with your prayer.