So today after 2 weeks of happiness I cracked. I know I have been positive and optimistic about my recovery so far, but today I just realized how exhausted I am. Having to fight each urge of a suicidal,negative,depressing thought has been tough. Trying to be somewhat a mentor,brave on this blog has seemed easy but today i just realized how tired I really am. Its so much less work to be sad. Tuesday I leave for a rehabilitation centre for 6 fucken months. Why is it so hard, so much work, such a fight for those who have a skewed perspective on life,those who don't have the coping mechanisms of "non-depressive" people (instead I am one of those with a choice -everyday i wake up its a choice between life and death.....and as much as my answer as been leaning towards wanting another shot at life, today i don't . Today deep inside I can easily say I am leaning towards the easier option-death,suicide) fuck right now that seems way easier and less expensive than these 6 months lets get real. I don't know after almost 3 years of fighting and trying and trying and feeling as though each step forward means 10 steps back. I am tired. I was optimistic about my recovery but to deny that I wouldn't mind closing my eyes right now and never waking up I would be lying to you. This is a diary entry of a survivor, but I don't know how much longer, how much fight this survivor has left in her. I am only human right? I read somwhere once "I don't want to die I just need saving" mmmm seems so simple right. Well throw me the the lifeline,the red tube thingie off your boat, and I will hold on to it, but pull me in, challenge me to work at it, at this suffering, and I will float for a brief second with your help, but all I need is resting., pull that lifeline back in, and you won't find me at the other end. Right now I need resting and floating for however long it is seems much more convenient today thanks. I'm tired of being saved. Having to save myself again.and.again. Now I let the current decide my way. My fate.
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It's one think having to accept all i have been through my life, especially these past almost 3 years, but forgiveness is another. Both are actually very difficult to practice.
I have however learned if you don't forgive, you resent. What comes from resentment? Anger, guilt, anxiety, stress and all those crappy feelings. 1. Forgiveness number one When i was growing up my dad wasn't really present in my life. We spoke very seldomly and the times i did visit him i felt like a complete stranger, plus he was never there, leaving me and his wife to spend most of our time together. Then in matric, 2009, he passed away. Not only was i only notified about his death only a few days later, but no one told me or my mom that he was on his death bed fighting lung cancer,fighting for his life! There is nothing worse that attending a funeral for the first time, not knowing if "your father" ever cared about you. My brothers were there, half protecting me, but introducing me to people that never even heard that my dad had a daughter. I felt fear, regret, guilt that i never made more effort. However i now realize, after long therapy sessions, that i was the child and he was the parent. I not only resented him for not making effort to include him in my life,but also myself for not doing the same. I resented my brothers too, for not telling me sooner about his death. So i know i need to forgive. Forgive him, myself, and his family. He also had his demons to deal with during his existence, alcoholism, cheating, being a workaholic, and not knowing how to treat his daughter or include her in his life. 2. Forgiveness 2 My mom and dad got divorced when i was three and she was only 25, single parent having to juggle her career and me. I often lived with my grand parents growing up. Then my mom met my step-day, and after their divorce subjected me to her on and off choice of bad men. First it was the "dutch" boyfriend. I do admit i loved him at first, he was like a father to me. However, as time went buy his true character started to show. He was a full on alcoholic, control freak and set rules like us kids not being able to see my mom after 8pm even though she would sometimes come home after 7pm. Another thing that i hated was that when i did something wrong my punishment would be to go feed his dogs, in the dark, quite a distance from home, even though i was petrified of the dark. When that relationship ended, we were kicked out of his house, basically homeless, and he sued my mom for tons of money because of all the "gifts" he bought us. She would take him back, then spilt up, then take him back, then split- making my childhood very dysfunctional. She had a few others after that which meant she was hardly home and i had to take care of my sisters. Then the 26 year old came along. Not only did he hate children, but my mom was consumed in this bubble, which did not include us. He was demeaning, and would often belittle and make me feel worthless. Many people thought he was my boyfriend and my mom was just the mom when we use to go out into public. Everything was done as he said and we had no say. One night after my mom and him went out, the next day the accused me of locking them out the house. My mom did not even stand up for me. That evening when they went out again, at age 14, i drank a whole bottle of champagne and cut my wrists quite badly. My mom was just not hearing my scream for help, just to be noticed, listened to, and when i showed her, not even that grabbed her attention. From then on it was trailer trash druggie who apparently had a amazing "personality", but you could not even understand one work because he was so fried off drugs and alcohol. Then from there on it was married men, ah and i hate cheating hay! Do during this time i had to accept that my mom was emotionally- available, that men often came in and out our lives, and that i had to take care of my sisters seeing as though my mom was emotionally unavailable. I have however accepted things for as they were, and mom I do forgive you. My mom has matured and grown up and no longer brings random men into our lives as she has realized she does go for toxic, emotionally-unaviable men. I am so grateful for the effort my moms made to turn things around. The amount of love and courage she has shown since my first diagnosis of severe depression has been remarkable. Love you mom. 3. Forgiveness 3 In 2010 i met this guy. I was 11 hours away from where he stayed, my home town and it was the best coming down for holidays and spending all the time we could together. Most of our "dates" considered of getting pissed and going to clubs, but at that stage i enjoyed every bit of it. Then in 2011 about june/july i developed my depression. He had somewhat made a contribution to why, and obviously all the other things i had gone through in my life as well. Bullying, abandonment, no father figure, the academic pressure of having to be a top A student, and making friends, feeling accepted. Anyways, i thought he was the one and if we could be together at the end of all this perhaps this depression wasn't that bad after all. Well i was in denial alright.I thought he was the most amazing boyfriend and that he was truly there for me,i now realize he was not. Eventually things became so toxic in the relationship, we became co-dependant, fought almost every weekend, and i blamed him for so much that it developed into resentment from the both of us. He even head butted me once and i still begged for him to consider giving the relationship another chance. I lost myself in the relationship and at the end of it all i had no clue who i was anymore. He broke up with me in august 2011 after almost 2 years over text message, and when he eventually picked the phone up he told me the whole bullshit story that "its not me its him", as well as quite a effed up thing, that the things he wants to do to me( obviously physical ) scared him to death. I somehow thought everything was my fault, and when he left me i felt like half a person, not whole. So now as i have suffered through this depression, loosing all my friends, a social life, not being able to continue my architecture degree, i am MAD! There him and his family are carrying on with their lives, living it up, and me and my family are really struggling. However, we have not been in contact since the break-up so for myself i need to forgive him, forgive myself for stooping so low and loosing my self in the relationship. I need to forgive his mom for asking me after he physically attacked me "what did i do to deserve it?" too. So here goes. I forgive you. I know i have only grown from that experience, this experience and it it wasn't for you contributing to my depression, i would never have matured as much as i have, and i would of never met the broken people on my journey, i would of never been able to know what a true reality is and that life is not just about partying and how bad your hangover is the next day. I love who i am becoming, that i have been able to be a mentor towards others. So thank you. I do forgive you and myself for the hell we put one another through. It can only make me stronger seeing as though i am still standing. I also met my boyfriend in the beginning of the year in a clinic and if i never developed this illness, i don't think our paths would of ever crossed so thank you. 4. Forgiveness 4 I have to accept that i do have depression, that the past almost 3 years has been a struggle and that i put myself and loved ones through hell. For a long time i was so angry at myself for loosing the plot and crumbling down. I was always so good at keeping it all together. This illness took away all my friends, took away my coping mechanisms, took away my chance at being a architect, took away my social life that a 21 year old should be living, and often took away my will to fight. I am left naked. A blank white canvas. Unsure of who i am, where i am going, what my purpose is, what i am suppose to do with my life one day, and even the simplest questions such as "do you love yourself?" "what makes you happy?" "what do you enjoy doing?" cannot be answered at this stage in my life. During this depression of mine, i have been so clouded by who i was. I keep on saying "but i just want to be who i was" " do what i did" "be happy as i was" bla bla bla But if i had to look back and take a deep look at who i was there is little i should be proud of. I started going out and drinking at age 13, ( a lot of alcohol was consumed each time), i was materialistic, selfish, always having high expectations from others, i was obsessed at being the best student where nothing i did was ever good enough, i chose the wrong circle of friends, i was plastic, superficial, mean, manipulative- always manipulation to get my way-, i did a lot of things when i was drinking that i am really not proud of( putting myself in danger a lot of the time), i had no balance, it was either study and get straight A's or party my ass off. I was self-centered, had a low self-esteem, masked a lot pretending i was this "confident girl" able to survive what life would throw at her, but i wasn't superman you know. I could never assert myself, never say no to others. And if i look back at all that i realize that if i truly loved myself, i would not have done or been some of things i was. I was leading myself to a very self destructive path. I also never focused on the present, it was always about the future. Being rich, being good looking, wanting a better life than what i had. AND. who am i now? how has things changed? Even though i cant fully answer these questions i do notice how a lot has changed. Throughout this journey i have realized life is more than the house you live in, how much money you have, how successful or "hot" you are, how many friends you have, how many parties you attend. I am finally doing things, going through things to become a better person, to really be in touch with myself and know who i am. . Yes i have no friends left, but none of those people actually gave two shits about me during these two years, so thank goodness that i am able to use that energy and spend it on things that really matter. I live day by day, i don't know what i want to do with my life one day, but i know i want happiness in it all and its not all about the money and "status". I don't drink as much as i use to, i don't go out anymore because i am in a stable relationship that involves doing healthy mature things like hiking, exercising, going to the movies, talking about deep meaningful things. I have seen how much love my family has for me and for the first time i take them into consideration. Whereas my past was plastic and superficial i have realized how real life actually is. I don't know who i am and where i am going, but i want to be significant in this world. I want to be the best person i can be. I want to help the needy, inspire the people "hungry" for knowledge. And i realize that getting 60's or 70's in university is not the end of the world. I want to attract people that really care about me and add value to my life. So you can say i have been stripped down to a being a nobody. And on this journey forward i can decide what i want to be and what i don't want to be. What i want for my life and what i don't want. Who is allowed into my life and who is not.I realize that you will never find happiness if you working towards gaining things in the future with the intent that it will bring you happiness then. I have to pay close attention to every detail of my day to find the pockets of happiness. Life is not black and white, and those in betweens, those grey's are what really matters. So i forgive myself for the wrong i have done and i forgive myself for allowing myself to become vulnerable and broken down, and i forgive this illness. It has changed my life, often leaving me paralyzed and crippled inside. But its up to me to decide how i am going to create a opportunity out of this tragedy. Conclude: Life is so short and precious. Forgive. Let go. And look to the NOW, the present for what it is you hoping to find. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, And by holding grudges, being resentful, you are only drinking your own poison in hope that it will effect the person you resent. What drives you?
Lately this question has been popping up in my mind quite often. And now I would like to ask you, What drives you? What dives you to wake up in the morning? To make your wife a cup of coffee? To take your kids to school? To go to work? To go to gym after work? To go away with friends for a weekend? To study the degree you studying? To spend energy on the choice of people you have allowed into your life? To stay in your relationship or mirage. I know for a fact only two things can ultimately drive you. If we had to dig deep and look at the root cause of what drives us its either LOVE or FEAR. If what drives you to wake up: that you HAVE to take your kids to school because no one else will, HAVE TO go to work otherwise how else would you make a living, HAVE to gym because you NEED to loose weight, HAVE to make your wife coffee other wise she is grumpy in the morning, HAVE to study a certain thing otherwise you will never get far in life, make money, or you need to up hold some sort of status, that you HAVE to go away with friends because you can't say no, that you HAVE to spend time with the same people because you scared to get out of your comfort zone and meet new people, that you scared to leave your loved one because of comfort, abuse, the kids. Then I am sorry to say but that is rather unfortunate. That all you do is an act out of fear. What stems from fear? Anxiety, stress, pressure, unhappiness, irritation, boredom, and all those NEGATIVE emotions. If what drives you to wake up: Firstly you excited for your day, that you LOVE to take your kids to school and spend extra time with them, that you go to a work to do a job you LOVE, that you stay focused and present in, that you WANT to go to gym because you love feeling good, that you LOVE making your wife coffee because it shows how much you love her through little things and it will help in elevating her mood so that she has a better day, that you LOVE studying a degree because you passionate about it, that you WANT to go away with friends because you to need a break, that you spend time with the same people because they add value to your life, that you in a mirage or relationship because it is healthy, and you still both love one another and are prepared to work at it-appreciate the good- persevere through the bad.Then I am happy to say that what drives you is LOVE. What stems from love? Passion, excitement, determination, and all the other GOOD emotions. Life is all about choices and perspective. Would you not rather want to love what you doing, be present to what you doing, be passionate and excited to do it again? I think we all want that. So again I ask! What drives you? And then, if you realise you mostly driven out of fear, obligation etc, how can YOU change your life or change your PERSPECTIVE about the things you do. So again I ask? What drives you? Music. . Something we all so familiar with. You could perhaps even say that it sometimes becomes the back drop to our lives. Its a new form of poetry, story telling, therapeutic means of expressing one self in this new generation And every harmony and melody has the power to strike some sort of emotion, and some words have enough power to bring up a specific feeling, a specific memory from the past. Music can also help in creating present memories- as it becomes part of a road trip, a concert you will never forget, a moment in a dance club, and even a moment between loved ones. Just last night i was making CD's for my mom so that we didn't have to listen to the old boring radio anymore. And as i am busy my mom and 2 sisters and little Benson my miniature german snouzer all come in my room. I was so excited to share with them the music i would leave behind before i go on my 6 months of rehabilitation. The one specific song i played was "greyhound" by Swedish House mafia which was the song choice in the new vodka add we often see in the cinema's. So as it starts me and my mom get up and start trancing- letting loose. You could say we looked very silly. Defiantly having a "bedroom" moment. A bedroom moment is a moment that you do something that you would never do in public.. Soon my sisters join in and even my little dog. For a moment we could forget aboout the tragic 2 years dealing with my depression, we could leave our "BIG" personalities which often causes conflict amoungst us all at the door, and just dance, let loose, let all the tension out. There my little sister is breaking it down on the bed- a lil dancer. My middle sister after first thinking my mom and I have lost our minds, also taking part. It was a moment. One of those moments that will go into our bank of memories- stored- kept and saved for a day of reminiscing. So today i discovered how powerful music can actually be. The stories it can tell. The memories it can create. ( a memory we have needed in a long time amongst all the seriousness of my disease) Bob Marley once said a awesome thing. " One good thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain" Below is the song. Enjoy :) |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
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