We all have our battles that we face every day, dragons that need slaying and often in the process this may leave deep routed scars. Life is tough but so are you darling. These scars are a documentation of what you have been through and although it doesn't mean the battle is over, if you have this far there is still hope.Stop fighting with yourself and learn to love every little bit of yourself. You need to start filing that void with things that make your soul come alive, things that can bring you peace and perhaps even a tiny bit of joy. To be happy is a hard job. One we have to sign up for and really commit to. One we have to sweat and Labor for so we can achieve perhaps just a moment of solitude, hold on to that bit of happiness when you have it and remind yourself every time that when you want to run away, when you want to quit, when you see no more light. . . That it's possible to have that moment again. I hope that one day you realize what a special and rare gift you are to the world and may you start living and loving your life, as you can create and shape it into whatever you want it to be...you have infinite power inside of you. The fight might now be over but you have strength inside of you that can overcome this. Hold on and fight. And please don't give up.
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She needed a hero and that is what she became. These battle scars don't mean the damage never existed but it means it no longer controls her life. These scars are a documentation of mistakes made in trying to overcome them. Along these nerve endings you will find the history of her. Her story that has not yet ended. Most people believe happiness is about gaining something, but it’s not. It’s all about getting rid of the darkness you accumulate. She is a warrior and a fighter. And she survived because the fire inside her burned brighter than around her.
So today I just wanted to say thanks.
When I started this blog, come to think of it now, I am not exactly sure WHY?!. Perhaps to express myself, let others realize that you cannot sweep your struggles or mental disorders under the rug, even though they go unnoticed by those that do not understand. You allowed to feel, you allowed to admit to yourself something is wrong and I wanted to let this blog trigger those realizations and manifest into a voice. A loud voice. I know I didn’t start this with the hope and expectation to get comments like “wow you inspire”, or, “this blog has really helped me”, I didn’t even expect others to open up to me. But with the few messages I have received I would like to say thanks. I have not conquered this, I just know that at the end of the day I still choose life over death, so that makes us victors of the day. I have my bad days and when I receive those short messages from some of you, you just lift me up. You touch the places that are sometimes dormant, thank you. Sometimes I go through seasons in my life where I too am tired, feeling totally used up, and then someone writes to me, and it just gives me hope. It motivates me to continue this blog and to continue pushing forward. You too help in my healing. Thank you. She's the places that
she has a desire to visit. She's the pieces of quotes that are plastered in ink in her favorite books. She's the road trips she hopes to go on. She's the beautiful characters that mesmerizes her in her favorite books. She's full of dreams, and i hope they one day come true. -Alexa Evangelista So i would like to start something interactive on my blog. You anonymously send me a message on weebly or email
[email protected] May it be something you struggling with, something you have overcome, something you are grateful for, anything you feel you need to share that you cannot easily and openly share with others. It will remain anonymous but people will be able to comment and offer you some hope and guidance. We as a community of people that have our struggles, but choose to overcome and become victors every single day need to stick together and be there for one another. However, sometimes we stuck, we feel we are drowning and i would like to create something on this blog to remind you that you not alone. NOONE is alone in their struggles!!! PLEASE: send me a message send me a email or i am going to start a forum called "Not alone" at the top and i am praying that you would be brave enough to share your stories. This blog is here to inspire and help, but what if we started coming together. Two heads are better than three. Three better than four. Thank you So I realize it has been a while, wow the last post I posted was early July. Then I received a few messages regarding this awful mistake of mine, and I was like "wow I know people visit these pages, but to be asked to write more" really touched me.
Thus today I would like to speak about "the meeting between". The people you become friends with, the people you briefly meet in your wakes of life, the people from your past, the people who have deeply hurt you and then have ended up leaving you, the passing ships, the comforters, the diseased, the people you wish you never met, the people you observe, the people that inspire you....... You may be saying, yes perhaps the "people that add value" inspire, but not the people who have caused hurt and damage!!! Today through my own experiences I am going to go very deep and share with you what I have learned through all of my encounters. I shall first and foremost start with men, a woman’s weakest temptation. 1. No sex= no “anything” When I was in school I developed my first high school crush. Feelings obviously started to surface, which I never had experienced before, and yes I liked him a lot. I even considered him as my “first love”. (Or whatever you may call it) So as time went by, his family and I went to their family vacation home for a long weekend. His dad made me feel so “special” seeing as though I was the first girl they had formally met. Long story short, he tried to have sex with me. I at the time didn’t feel ready, as I had promised myself I would wait till after school, and we weren’t yet in a formal relationship. 2 days later we got to school, and that was the end of that, because I would not sleep with him. I felt worthless, used and pretty much sad. Lesson: Find a guy that realizes your worth, does not only chase you because of his sexual desires, and find someone who is willing to wait. PLUS: Well done for sticking to your morals girlfriend! 2. The 3 year relationship = toxic = abusive relationship = watsapp break-up message (wow I felt sooo special) I can’t say I particularly like to admit that this relationship added any value to my life, as it was partially the reason for me developing suicidal depression. Lesson: Co-dependency can start to develop when the relationship becomes a toxic one. A guy was willing to wait a year and a half before we slept together which in turn made me feel of value. However I learned THAT RUNNING BACK TO someone who physically abused you which I did (RAN BACK TO HIM), =disaster. 3. The “short lasted relationships/ passing ships” Yes they might be short but they can also end up in tears. Lesson: when you are vulnerable and lonely, a relationship is a no go. FOCUS ON self-love before you give your heart to someone else. Just because a guy might wine and dine you, and make promises and come forth as the “this type of guy only comes around once, he must be a keeper”= LETS GET REAL! Lesson: 1. The photographer introduced me to one of my favorite passions of today. 2. The exercise junky introduced me to exercise and wow I feel great, look great, and yoga can be very helpful when you feeling down. 3. The 20 something year old with no ambition. Just NO…. 4. The holiday romance guy= just remember you never see them again, so don’t form any attachments. 5. The wine and diner who turned out to be a woman abuser= Yes I deserve to be wined and dined and flowered up, treated as the classy woman as I am, but no I will not like being punched in the face even though you blame it on your ex “psycho” girlfriend for bringing it out of you. 6. The rehab romance Lasted 1 year. Most common conversations= depression, medication, and depression, medication etc etc. Lesson= not healthy to go for someone when both of you cant even help yourselves. Secondly I would like to start with friends. This one is easy. When you in a bad space, you attract negative people. When you in a healthy space, you attract healthy positive people. When you going through your depression please realize and understand that they don’t understand what you are going through. Conclusion: reflect. If they add value to your life= keeper. If not= dump her or him. Thirdly The people that hurt us. Lesson: See all of the above. You are great. You still here so please stop trying to kill yourself. Stop being the victim. Stop letting others have the power over you to bring you down, and make you feel of no worth. If it no longer serves you, grows you, or adds happiness to your life= let go of the heavy baggage. Annnnd…never go for the drinkers and the druggies when you feeling lonely, low, and think this is the only solution= you stronger than that. Fourthly: The inspirationalS: Yes you get your heroes, celebrities, preachers, motivational speakers, but I am talking about those people that create moments that really touch your soul. I shall give two amazing examples. 1. The homeless guy at the robots So in 2010 I started studying architecture and whilst in second year I had my breakdown and yes that’s where all the wheels came off. I was great at it though and even though I could of gone back because I had the talent and such an amazing opportunity….I did not. The other day a homeless guy stood with this little architectural model in his hands. Beautiful. Precise. Almost perfect. I told him SO, and asked him “who made it and where the materials were obtained?”, and he said he was responsible for it all. Here was someone with so much talent, perhaps even with a dream to go into the building/design industry…. but unlike me he had no opportunities. IT BROKE MY HEART and made me realize how blessed I actually was. 2. The “crazy/ cool chick at the clinic” So one day we were all sitting in the garden, people were smoking, people were talking and there sat a new comer- probably in her 40’s. We were complaining why we here, more complaining, more complaining, more complaining. Out of her silence she broke “guys let me tell you my “f&^%en story.” I sat there, embarrassed by my complaining. I realized how lucky I actually had it and that the cards that I was dealt were not even close to hers. She sat there, with courage, strength…. not looking for a pity party, but perhaps she tried to tell us that even though she had gone through hell and back…she is a victor not a victim. THE LIST COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON!!!! The purpose of this message today however, was to tell you that each person you meet is a blessing in disguise. Suuuuure sometimes I think; “wow if only I didn’t meet this or that one”, “I wish I could of known”, “I wish that person didn’t do this or that to me”. BUTTTTTT we decided to let them into our lives, we made that conscious choice and unfortunately we cannot go back. SO PLEASE go think. Every time you hating on someone from the past, think to yourself…. what did I learn out of it, what was the purpose in it all? AND if anyone remotely similar to those past “a-holes” enter your life, you know how the story ends. Yes people leave scars, which become hidden stories, but we ultimately decide how the chapter will end. NOT THEM. NOT NOW. NOT EVER. I am sure many of you will agree, these days our generation is finding it increasing difficult to know what they want to do with their lives. I then beg to question, "will some of us ever know what we really want to do!!!" Some of you are fortunate enough to figure it all out at a early stage, pursue and be happy in with what you do. For others like me, we are lost, forever trying to just figure out our passions, purpose, and with a bit of rationalization...."what is it we want to do with our lives?" In grade 10 i was set on the idea that i wanted to be an architect. People had put ideas in my head of how the profession would be, some ideas accurate/ others not. After a long process of applying to study, i got in and pursued architecture. I must say i did complain a lot about it to my mom, it turned out to be a lot different as to what i thought. None the less i had my eyes set on getting my degree and perseverance had luckily always been a very good quality of mine. After 2 years i had a mental break down, got sucked in by this horrible disease known as depression, and lost all sense of purpose and passion. There was no point to life anymore. Why would i then want to do anything if in my mind i was not planning on living very long? Its been a rough journey, 3 years EXACT from that first break-down, and as i am starting to heal, even though i still struggle with having a sense of purpose and passion, i still cannot reach a conclusion as to what i want to do with my life. Before i was diagnosed with clinical depression, i knew life was about finding a job, being secure, making money so that i wouldn't have to just "survive", AND I KNEW that even though what i chose to do would perhaps not make me very happy, i had the skills to persevere and would have to just "DEAL WITH IT." My journey has completely changed my perspective. NOW i know, i want to find something that will make me happy. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND EXCITED TO WAKE UP EVVVVVERY MORNING AND KNOW "YESSSSS!" today is going to be a great day. I LOVE WHAT I DO! Yes with every purpose or job comes the bad and the good, i have accepted that not every day will be a happy day, but as i said my perspective now has changed so much as to 8 years ago. However, if you want to be happy, you cannot ignore the financial implications of what you choose to pursue.You might love what you do but earn so little that the financial struggle ends up making you miserable. You might choose a job which is "okay", not really feeding the soul", but you know you will have money and will be able to lead a very comfortable life. So how will we ever know what we want to be, pursue, do with our lives if there is all these things we have to take into consideration?? I do not know. in fact i have no answers. However, i recently came across this video. It touched me very deeply as i even ended up with tears in my eyes. Let me know what you think!? I recently read this quotes online:
" People talk about depression like it is something weak. But coming out of it and through it, to the other side, Alive, is the strongest and bravest thing you will ever do." “Actions create consequences. Consequences which produce new worlds, and they’re all different. Where the bodies are buried in the desert, that is a certain world, where the bodies are simply left to be found, that is another. At some point you will have to acknowledge the reality of the world you are in. There is not some other world. This is not a hiatus. I would urge you to see the truth of the situation you’re in. That is my advice. It is not for me to tell you what you should have done, or not done. The world in which you seek to undo the mistakes that you made is different than the world in which they were made. You’re now at the crossing, and you want to choose, but there is no choosing. There’s only accepting. The choosing was done a long time ago.[...]"
"Do you know the words of Machado? A beautiful poet. Machado was a school teacher and he married a young beautiful girl, and he loved her very much. And she died and then he became a poet. Machado would have traded every word, every poem, every verse he ever wrote for one more hour with his beloved and that is because when it comes to grief, there is no rule of exchange. Grief transcends every value. A man would give up whole nations to lift it from his heart. And yet with it, you can buy nothing. Because grief is worthless.You continue to deny the reality of the world you live in. You are at the crossing. At the understanding that life isn’t going to take you back. You are the world you have created.”" I recently watched the movie "The counselor" At the end one man says this to another. When i searched for this quote i came upon a man's response to this. "I am a man who stands at the crossing. Make no mistake, there’s a difference between the crossing and the crossroads. The crossroads is a juncture. The crossing is the point of no return. I stand now past the point of no returning. I have made my choices. There is no going back.." This is what i think We have all been there. Choices lead to a certain reality. If we picked A it would of created one reality. Should we have picked B, another. But we are here now, living this reality, no turning back, all we can do is accept it. Acceptance you say! Yes it is very difficult, i too struggle with his concept. I would trade so much just to of gone back, so that my current reality could of turned out differently. SEE..."A man would give up whole nations to lift it from his heart. And yet with it, you can buy nothing. Because grief is worthless.You continue to deny the reality of the world you live in. You are at the crossing. At the understanding that life isn’t going to take you back. You are the world you have created.”" Why can't we accept it? Because it hurts. Acceptance would mean to let go; let go of the pain, our mistakes, our struggles we have carried for so long.....a comfortable place we have found ourselves in for months perhaps years...... what have the above quotation meant to you regarding your life and journey? |
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