Lately i have been so scared. Scared for my future. Scared because of my current relationship with a guy. Scared when i have my "off" days, scared because my only friend, my best friend, is leaving soon for a job which is hours and hours away. Then i came upon this video. It didn't take my fears away, but at least put things into perspective. Fear robs us of our dreams, of amazing possibilities, it steals from us, it takes away, it leaves us crippled with a deep and dark loss, an abyss, a pit of nothingness.
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So often when we think we have been given a second shot at life we expect things to be different. Easier.
Well that's what i thought as i entered into my new life after my last (6th rehab center.) We think now that we "survivors" life owes us something. That "something" which had been taken away from us for all this time. Well done, you didn't kill yourself; "here is a gold star and a guarantee that everything is just going to go the way you want" FUCK NO! i wish..... I left rehab, found God and thought i am all set. Well, just because i had 3 months to heal, does not mean your family forgets what you have put them through all these years. OBVIOUSLY....you never wish depression or the addiction to death upon anyone, and if you could go back you would of made sure things would not turn out the way they did. This struggle almost broke you, in fact it crippled you, not to mention all the people and opportunities at life you lost along the way, and lets not forget the damage done to your family. Emotionally and financially. The life after is hard. you come back realizing ; that life does not stop for nobody. who cares and who doesn't Now that you "healed" or strong enough to take the truth, people no longer walk on egg shells so that you wont go and kill yourself after every honest nasty comment, the truth kept in for so long comes pouring out. I think its also a matter of miscommuinication, misconception. My sisters probably look at me without realizing how hard i have fought for my life, them being a big part of why i agreed to try rehabilitation so that i wouldn't WANT TO DIE! they probably look at me and think wow she is happy now and we sitting with all the scars, lets lash out, tell her exactly what we think. YOU BROKE THE FAMILY! WHEN YOU WERE IN REHAB IT WAS BETTER WITHOUT YOU. instead of thinking where this is coming from, we that are so use to going into our bubble of "self-pitty" and "victim-mode" slip right back in. Do i deserve the truth? yes. Am i ready for it? NO. is anyone ever? I just came out, fresh skin around my bones, stronger, no longer a victim, but not yet a hero in your own story either. Yes you "healed", but you still get "those days", the ones where your head corrupts your whole being, your thoughts become your worst enemy, and it is so difficult to get out of bed. BUT> YOU DO! you may not be "normal" as you want to be, but you no longer as weak, you have the tools to fight this now. However when people tell you "the truth that hurts", or the plans you make are crossed out after rejection after rejection, its so easy to slip into your old ways. "POOR ME" "DOES THE FAMILY NOT REALIZE I FOUGHT SO HARD BECAUSE OF THEM." "THIS WHOLE REALITY THING JUST ISN'T FOR SOME OF US" well let me be bluntly honest. CUT THE BULLSHIT. life is not easy. it will never go a 100% the way you want it. If you have depression like me, and you have decided you tired of being the "sick" one, then stay within the role of the "less sick" one. I made a promise to myself when i left rehab, no more pitty-parties, selfish "i want to kill myself talk", i am now the victor no long the victim. Can i tell you, LIFE HAS BEEN PRETTY FUCKEN BLEEK UP TILL NOW. - i decided to start over completely- leave the "friends" who didn't give a fuck about you behind RESULT: NO FRIENDS - take a year off and spoil yourself, give back, serve god, do things you enjoy to see that life can be amazing RESULT: after how many calls, emails, research, i have only had rejection after rejection....im still stuck at home trying to find something to do -i told my family to be honest with me RESULT: "you strong now" whenever we going through whatever, even if you not involved lets lash out on you ----ME: "poor me": but today i have made the conscious decision. TO HELL WITH THAT. -how can i expect to make friends if i don't get familiar with myself first, im only now starting a healthy relationship with myself...be patient. -things don't work out, GREAT, eliminate that- god does not want that for you, try again!!!!!!! AND AGAIN. -the family lashes out. GREAT!!!! they can see how much you have improved and have taken you out the sick category, don't feel sorry for yourself, realize that they can see your improvement BUTTTTT "THEIR SHIT IS THEIR SHIT" ....FUCKEN WALK AWAY! why do you want to revert to the past? sleep the whole day? feel sorry for yourself? want to kill yourself when things don't work out? want to run away when the family says you ruined everything? i have thing to say to all of that. " na ah NOT ME. I CHOOSE LIFE. I CHOOSE STRENGTH. I CHOOSE GOD. I CHOOSE TO WALK AWAY WHEN YOU TRYING TO BREAK ME DOWN. I CHOOSE LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS AND THUS I CHOOSE WISELY WHO I WANT TO ASSOCIATE MYSELF WITH. YOUR PLANS KEEP BOMBING OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN, GREEEEEAT AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NOT GOING TO DO THIS YEAR!!!!( TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN TILL YOU FIND WHAT YOU GOING TO DO) - WE DONT SETTLE FOR LESS. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE FULL OF POTENTIAL. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE NO LONGER A VICTIM OF YOUR PAST. MOVE ON. LOOK FORWARD. and when you can feel yourself falling into the "poor me" "self-pity" party, fucken stand up, dust yourself off, and change the fucken party you were planning on going to. amen x For me 2014 isnt just a new year it’s a new beginning.
A new life that has arised after years of suffering. To me its not what will make 2014 better than 2013? . To me 2014 is the meaning of a new life, new beginnings, ….the actual question is what will make 2014 better than my entire past as this is my new shot at life. Lets say I have been reborn into this year, and although I am aware of the past…the past hurts, sufferings, dissapointments, mistakes…I cannot carry them through with me into 2014. Last year after rehab, after giving my life over to the care of god, I had to let go of every friendship that I knew….i had to start forming postivive habits out of the negative ones( yes it is still a process), I had to reevaluate and ask myself…WHO ARE you…and who do you want to be. i had to let go of a lot until my life was naked...until all i had was god. I know who I am now, but 2014 is the start of who I want to be. It’s the blank canvas to my life. All the other pages have been erased in my book of life and 2014 is the beginning chapter. What will these pages, this naked canvas include then? Only faith and trust in god, work, determination, perseverance, endurance, and patience will tell. I need to start distinguishing between the right choices and the wrong, as i know each has a different consequence. - what you sow is what you reap. I need to know myself and study myself, where in comparison to the past i knew others better than myself just because i wanted "friends" i wanted to fit in. I need to be ME, and thus i will attract the right people. Satan will still disguise the wrong one's as right and thus i need gods mercy and grace and his shelter of protection to help me tell the difference. From WHO AM I? WHO DO I WANT TO BE? i should start creating a life. So many people are busy creating a lifestyle, that they forget to create a life. OUT OF MY LIFE...a lifestyle will emerge. I need to use this as my foundation in deciding what am i passionate about? where is the end in my mind?, and just by taking that first step, i can start climbing to where it is where i want to be. Succesful but also full of significance. I know you cannot fly to the top and thus my end goal must be based on ....what does god want for me? what am i passionate about? what will make me happy? in that will i be making others happy? if i can use these questions to form the end in mind, the journey might be tough but it will be worthwhile. Goodbye 2013,2012,2011,2010,2009,2008,2007,2006,2005,2004,2003,2002,2001,2000,1999,1998,1997,1996,1995,1994,1993,1992...... hello new life. HELLO 2014!!!!!! |
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