We all have our battles that we face every day, dragons that need slaying and often in the process this may leave deep routed scars. Life is tough but so are you darling. These scars are a documentation of what you have been through and although it doesn't mean the battle is over, if you have this far there is still hope.Stop fighting with yourself and learn to love every little bit of yourself. You need to start filing that void with things that make your soul come alive, things that can bring you peace and perhaps even a tiny bit of joy. To be happy is a hard job. One we have to sign up for and really commit to. One we have to sweat and Labor for so we can achieve perhaps just a moment of solitude, hold on to that bit of happiness when you have it and remind yourself every time that when you want to run away, when you want to quit, when you see no more light. . . That it's possible to have that moment again. I hope that one day you realize what a special and rare gift you are to the world and may you start living and loving your life, as you can create and shape it into whatever you want it to be...you have infinite power inside of you. The fight might now be over but you have strength inside of you that can overcome this. Hold on and fight. And please don't give up.
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About 3 weeks ago, my sisters friend of 16 committed suicide by jumping off the 8th story of their apartment building. Whilst this was happening, i had to go to a clinic for 3 weeks as i was feeling a lil flat and had to regulate my new medicine. There i met a lady by the name Pauline. Me and her became best friends and i now see her as my fairy god mother. Kind. compassionate. funny. Her daughter also suffers from mental illness and started wanting to commit suicide at a very early age. This pressure, and fear based relationship is one of the reasons Pauline ended up in the clinic. The day i met her i thought she was a mother of a patient as she asked me all these questions in which we realized i can relate a lot to her daughter. The day we met i could also immediately see my moms suffering, pain, and sadness in her eyes and i have promised myself no matter what, i will fight for my life no matter what it takes. Again there was a reason for this short traveled journey which i tend to get very tired of. My sister's friends mom must be in so much pain after loosing her only son. After seeing this painting he painted before he passed, posted by his mother on Facebook, i decided to write a in-memory-of poem. I am sorry for the state I left the world in mum
I know you are hurting because I was your only son I am sorry that you had to find out that way With only a letter, with all I could say I’m sorry that you had to find me like that That the silence in my room was what drew you in in fact I know it must have been hard when you realized I was gone That when the wind came howling through my window you had to look down My blood surrounding me, on the streets of town. The sirens, the people and all the commotion The blood, the faces, "you see" -GOING- seemed like the only potion I know you might never understand But I want you to know, although invisible, I will always be holding your hand I am sorry mom that it had to end this way But I am finally at rest, and more that okay They say in order to sail you must have the courage to loose sight of the shore I just couldn’t hold on to drowning anymore And as I stood on the edge of that deck I knew my life was a unfixable wreck The sun in my face The shadows behind my back That’s where all the monsters usually like to attack I have heard people say “destroy what destroys you right” But what if the thing destroying you is yourself, and you can no longer put up a fight. I was broken. Crippled crying inside. Behind a big smile and my music is the only place I found comfort to hide. But I am finally at peace and no longer in pain And you should know you are never to blame How could you even comprehend this unexpected event? That I had decided to stop paying god’s rent. You did all you could by giving me all your love Trying to make me forget all life's stuff Just know I am smiling, filled with laughter and light Inside I am shinning so bright I know it wasn’t my time to leave yet And you are sitting with regret I am sorry mom for leaving you all alone But just know that god has forgiven me, and I have sat besides his thrown I am happy. I am free. I can now finally be. So just remember that even though you cannot see me I am there. And I am sitting beside you every time you busy with your prayer. So i would like to start something interactive on my blog. You anonymously send me a message on weebly or email
[email protected] May it be something you struggling with, something you have overcome, something you are grateful for, anything you feel you need to share that you cannot easily and openly share with others. It will remain anonymous but people will be able to comment and offer you some hope and guidance. We as a community of people that have our struggles, but choose to overcome and become victors every single day need to stick together and be there for one another. However, sometimes we stuck, we feel we are drowning and i would like to create something on this blog to remind you that you not alone. NOONE is alone in their struggles!!! PLEASE: send me a message send me a email or i am going to start a forum called "Not alone" at the top and i am praying that you would be brave enough to share your stories. This blog is here to inspire and help, but what if we started coming together. Two heads are better than three. Three better than four. Thank you So I realize it has been a while, wow the last post I posted was early July. Then I received a few messages regarding this awful mistake of mine, and I was like "wow I know people visit these pages, but to be asked to write more" really touched me.
Thus today I would like to speak about "the meeting between". The people you become friends with, the people you briefly meet in your wakes of life, the people from your past, the people who have deeply hurt you and then have ended up leaving you, the passing ships, the comforters, the diseased, the people you wish you never met, the people you observe, the people that inspire you....... You may be saying, yes perhaps the "people that add value" inspire, but not the people who have caused hurt and damage!!! Today through my own experiences I am going to go very deep and share with you what I have learned through all of my encounters. I shall first and foremost start with men, a woman’s weakest temptation. 1. No sex= no “anything” When I was in school I developed my first high school crush. Feelings obviously started to surface, which I never had experienced before, and yes I liked him a lot. I even considered him as my “first love”. (Or whatever you may call it) So as time went by, his family and I went to their family vacation home for a long weekend. His dad made me feel so “special” seeing as though I was the first girl they had formally met. Long story short, he tried to have sex with me. I at the time didn’t feel ready, as I had promised myself I would wait till after school, and we weren’t yet in a formal relationship. 2 days later we got to school, and that was the end of that, because I would not sleep with him. I felt worthless, used and pretty much sad. Lesson: Find a guy that realizes your worth, does not only chase you because of his sexual desires, and find someone who is willing to wait. PLUS: Well done for sticking to your morals girlfriend! 2. The 3 year relationship = toxic = abusive relationship = watsapp break-up message (wow I felt sooo special) I can’t say I particularly like to admit that this relationship added any value to my life, as it was partially the reason for me developing suicidal depression. Lesson: Co-dependency can start to develop when the relationship becomes a toxic one. A guy was willing to wait a year and a half before we slept together which in turn made me feel of value. However I learned THAT RUNNING BACK TO someone who physically abused you which I did (RAN BACK TO HIM), =disaster. 3. The “short lasted relationships/ passing ships” Yes they might be short but they can also end up in tears. Lesson: when you are vulnerable and lonely, a relationship is a no go. FOCUS ON self-love before you give your heart to someone else. Just because a guy might wine and dine you, and make promises and come forth as the “this type of guy only comes around once, he must be a keeper”= LETS GET REAL! Lesson: 1. The photographer introduced me to one of my favorite passions of today. 2. The exercise junky introduced me to exercise and wow I feel great, look great, and yoga can be very helpful when you feeling down. 3. The 20 something year old with no ambition. Just NO…. 4. The holiday romance guy= just remember you never see them again, so don’t form any attachments. 5. The wine and diner who turned out to be a woman abuser= Yes I deserve to be wined and dined and flowered up, treated as the classy woman as I am, but no I will not like being punched in the face even though you blame it on your ex “psycho” girlfriend for bringing it out of you. 6. The rehab romance Lasted 1 year. Most common conversations= depression, medication, and depression, medication etc etc. Lesson= not healthy to go for someone when both of you cant even help yourselves. Secondly I would like to start with friends. This one is easy. When you in a bad space, you attract negative people. When you in a healthy space, you attract healthy positive people. When you going through your depression please realize and understand that they don’t understand what you are going through. Conclusion: reflect. If they add value to your life= keeper. If not= dump her or him. Thirdly The people that hurt us. Lesson: See all of the above. You are great. You still here so please stop trying to kill yourself. Stop being the victim. Stop letting others have the power over you to bring you down, and make you feel of no worth. If it no longer serves you, grows you, or adds happiness to your life= let go of the heavy baggage. Annnnd…never go for the drinkers and the druggies when you feeling lonely, low, and think this is the only solution= you stronger than that. Fourthly: The inspirationalS: Yes you get your heroes, celebrities, preachers, motivational speakers, but I am talking about those people that create moments that really touch your soul. I shall give two amazing examples. 1. The homeless guy at the robots So in 2010 I started studying architecture and whilst in second year I had my breakdown and yes that’s where all the wheels came off. I was great at it though and even though I could of gone back because I had the talent and such an amazing opportunity….I did not. The other day a homeless guy stood with this little architectural model in his hands. Beautiful. Precise. Almost perfect. I told him SO, and asked him “who made it and where the materials were obtained?”, and he said he was responsible for it all. Here was someone with so much talent, perhaps even with a dream to go into the building/design industry…. but unlike me he had no opportunities. IT BROKE MY HEART and made me realize how blessed I actually was. 2. The “crazy/ cool chick at the clinic” So one day we were all sitting in the garden, people were smoking, people were talking and there sat a new comer- probably in her 40’s. We were complaining why we here, more complaining, more complaining, more complaining. Out of her silence she broke “guys let me tell you my “f&^%en story.” I sat there, embarrassed by my complaining. I realized how lucky I actually had it and that the cards that I was dealt were not even close to hers. She sat there, with courage, strength…. not looking for a pity party, but perhaps she tried to tell us that even though she had gone through hell and back…she is a victor not a victim. THE LIST COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON!!!! The purpose of this message today however, was to tell you that each person you meet is a blessing in disguise. Suuuuure sometimes I think; “wow if only I didn’t meet this or that one”, “I wish I could of known”, “I wish that person didn’t do this or that to me”. BUTTTTTT we decided to let them into our lives, we made that conscious choice and unfortunately we cannot go back. SO PLEASE go think. Every time you hating on someone from the past, think to yourself…. what did I learn out of it, what was the purpose in it all? AND if anyone remotely similar to those past “a-holes” enter your life, you know how the story ends. Yes people leave scars, which become hidden stories, but we ultimately decide how the chapter will end. NOT THEM. NOT NOW. NOT EVER. I am sure many of you will agree, these days our generation is finding it increasing difficult to know what they want to do with their lives. I then beg to question, "will some of us ever know what we really want to do!!!" Some of you are fortunate enough to figure it all out at a early stage, pursue and be happy in with what you do. For others like me, we are lost, forever trying to just figure out our passions, purpose, and with a bit of rationalization...."what is it we want to do with our lives?" In grade 10 i was set on the idea that i wanted to be an architect. People had put ideas in my head of how the profession would be, some ideas accurate/ others not. After a long process of applying to study, i got in and pursued architecture. I must say i did complain a lot about it to my mom, it turned out to be a lot different as to what i thought. None the less i had my eyes set on getting my degree and perseverance had luckily always been a very good quality of mine. After 2 years i had a mental break down, got sucked in by this horrible disease known as depression, and lost all sense of purpose and passion. There was no point to life anymore. Why would i then want to do anything if in my mind i was not planning on living very long? Its been a rough journey, 3 years EXACT from that first break-down, and as i am starting to heal, even though i still struggle with having a sense of purpose and passion, i still cannot reach a conclusion as to what i want to do with my life. Before i was diagnosed with clinical depression, i knew life was about finding a job, being secure, making money so that i wouldn't have to just "survive", AND I KNEW that even though what i chose to do would perhaps not make me very happy, i had the skills to persevere and would have to just "DEAL WITH IT." My journey has completely changed my perspective. NOW i know, i want to find something that will make me happy. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND EXCITED TO WAKE UP EVVVVVERY MORNING AND KNOW "YESSSSS!" today is going to be a great day. I LOVE WHAT I DO! Yes with every purpose or job comes the bad and the good, i have accepted that not every day will be a happy day, but as i said my perspective now has changed so much as to 8 years ago. However, if you want to be happy, you cannot ignore the financial implications of what you choose to pursue.You might love what you do but earn so little that the financial struggle ends up making you miserable. You might choose a job which is "okay", not really feeding the soul", but you know you will have money and will be able to lead a very comfortable life. So how will we ever know what we want to be, pursue, do with our lives if there is all these things we have to take into consideration?? I do not know. in fact i have no answers. However, i recently came across this video. It touched me very deeply as i even ended up with tears in my eyes. Let me know what you think!? She's so beautiful
yet so sad Always saying no one will ever love her. and yet when somebody tells her that they love her she runs and hides silly girl, they love you YOU JUST DON'T LOVE YOURSELF! This is a amazing book. I have read it 5 times already and i am on my 6th. As stated: bitch means simply “Bitch (noun): A woman who won't bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else's opinion - be it a man or anyone else in her life. She understands that if someone does not approve of her, it's just one person's opinion; therefore, it's of no real importance. She doesn't try to live up to anyone else's standards - only her own. Because of this, she relates to a man very differently.” During the course of the book there are a 100 attraction principles and i thought i would share some with you. Some made me think, others put things into great perspective, others i have practiced and THEY WORK, and some are needed as a reminder during almost every relationship, or just before it becomes something more. ENJOY! 1. Anything a person chases in life runs away. 2. A woman is perceived as offering a mental challenge to the degree that a man doesn’t feel he has a 100 percent hold on her. 3. If you start out dependent, it turns him off. But if it is something he can’t have, it becomes more of a challenge for him to get it. 4. The biggest variable between a bitch and a woman who is too nice is fear. The bitch shows that she’s not afraid to be without him. 5. If you smother him, he’ll go into defense mode and look for an escape route to protect his freedom. 6.A bitch gives a man plenty of space so he doesn’t fear being trapped in a cage. Then..he sets out to trap her in his. 7.He must feel that you choose to be with him, not that you need to be with him. Only then will he perceive you as an equal partner. 8. If a man has to wait before he sleeps with a woman, he’ll not only perceive her as more beautiful, he’ll also take him time to appreciate who she is. 9. Every man wants to have sex first; whether he wants a girlfriend is something he thinks about later. By not giving him what he wants up front, you become his girlfriend without him realizing it. 10. When a woman acts as though she’s capable of everything, she gets stuck doing everything. 11. Men don’t respond to words. They respond to no contact. 12. Talking about the “relationship” too much takes away the element of the “unknown” and thus the mystery. 13. Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves. 14. A woman looks more secure in a man’s eyes when he can’t pull her away from her life, because she is content with her life. 15. You jump through hoops any time you repeatedly make it very obvious you’re giving your “all.” 16. The nice girl gives away too much of herself when pleasing him regularly becomes more important than pleasing herself. 17. The relationship may not be right for you if you find yourself jumping through hoops. When something is right, it will feel easier and much more effortless. 18. When you nag, he tunes you out. But when you speak with your actions, he pays attention. 19. A little distance combined with the appearance of self-control makes him nervous that he may be losing you. 20. When you nag, you become the problem, and he deals with it by tuning you out. But when you don’t nag, he deals with the problem. 21. Talking about feelings to a man will feel like work. When he’s with a woman, he wants it to feel like fun. 22. Forcing him to talk about feelings all the time will not only make you seem needy, it will eventually make him lose respect. And when he loses respect, he’ll pay even less attention to your feelings. 23. When a man falls in love, suddenly he’ll go out of his way and think nothing of it. He’ll do things for this woman he wouldn’t have done for anyone else. 24. The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be. 25. If you make it too obvious that you’re excited to get something, some people will be tempted to dangle a carrot in front of your face. 26. If he doesn’t give you a time, you don’t have a date. 27. A man feels he’s won, or conqured a woman, when she eats out of the palm of his hand. At which point, he begins to get bored. 28. A “yes” woman who gives too much sends the impression that she belives in the man more than she believes in herself. Men view this as weakness not kindness. 29. Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them. 30. He simply won’t respect a woman who automatically goes into overdrive to please him. Lately i have been so scared. Scared for my future. Scared because of my current relationship with a guy. Scared when i have my "off" days, scared because my only friend, my best friend, is leaving soon for a job which is hours and hours away. Then i came upon this video. It didn't take my fears away, but at least put things into perspective. Fear robs us of our dreams, of amazing possibilities, it steals from us, it takes away, it leaves us crippled with a deep and dark loss, an abyss, a pit of nothingness. “Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. To make all your friends feel that there is something in them To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile. To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds. To live in faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”” — Christian D. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them |
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