So what is new?
well, i started studying again this year.Accounting to be exact. at age 23. I must say although its been very difficult, i made my first semester which is something i can be very proud of. However, for the "normal" person(normal in the sense as not being touched by this disease), studying is a difficult and stressful journey. For me my senses of anxiety and stress are heightened and every day I wake up, confronted by my other "sick" self, plagued by the fact that without my medication things would be a lot different. its been difficult but i am making it.
the 10th of April i lost a very dear friend to depression. It was very difficult for me. When i met him, we both were in the exact same bout. Fighting the same demons, sharing the same dark thoughts and in this we were connected. Loosing him scared me as it made this disease that much more real. The possibility of be killing myself became more real but also more impossible as i would never want to hurt others as he hurt me. It was a huge loss. And i still think about him every single day.
I know he is in a better place as life was just not meant for him and i know he is dancing with the angels above, finally smiling, but it doesn't make it any easier for those he left behind. May you rest in peace my dear friend.
Its a funny thing this blog. So many times i am tempted to delete it, to delete my past. But today as i came on, i received a message. "am i okay? please can i write again, it kept someone going." That in itself keeps me going. People don't realize that their participation in this blog helps keep it going so please do not stop.
Yesterday i met a old dear friend. However in that i was confronted by my past. When i feel down or majorly depressed, to the point that i cant get out of bed, i think THAT IS BAD. BUTTTT yesterday i realized that is nothing compared to how bad things actually use to be. I got home, terrified, scared for the first time in a long time, as I CANNOT GO BACK TO WHERE I USE TO BE….I might not be where i want to be, but thank god i am not where i use to be. feeding my demons with alcohol and drugs, trying to kill myself and exposing this to my little sisters and mom who care so much for me…my mom having to often search the streets for me….it was a very dark and self destructive path and i REFUSE to ever allow myself to go back there because it was just a path of loss, confusion and loosing myself bit by bit everyday.
My sister calls me strong. My other sister is angry at this disease. My mom, paranoid every day. The past still haunts us. The disease is still ever present and powerful. Me strong? i never thought that until i realized yesterday how far i have actually come. Its unbelievable actually. And although i cannot apologize to my family enough for scaring them during this dark and depressing journey, their love for me, still now, after everything, is incredibly humbling.
I have decided i will not delete this blog but i will continue fighting and continue pouring my soul out onto these pages. Thank you. Although i have not kept this going, you guys have, and that in itself means the world to me.
Still alive. Still fighting. Less and less a victim and more of a victor. thank you.