For me, I had started my first year of varsity specializing in accounting. I moved to a new place where I knew no one, started a very time consuming coarse, and I had gone into the year scared and fearful. To recap, I really struggled. Academically I did really well and I have been accepted to go on to my second year. However, because of life pressures, and feeling very alone, as I had made no friends, I really struggled. In November 2015 I ended up in a clinic one again (my 9th time). Once again I feel I had failed another year and failed myself. Unfortunately, I struggle to cope with life itself. Now 2016, as I am writing this, I find myself in the clinic again. The last couple of months I have been very rundown and unhappy. This time however is different. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, and for this year to be bigger and better I have realized I need to change my game plan. Whilst being in the clinic I underwent a new treatment- Ketamine infusion. I will write more about that later. I also realized that this year I need to do things very differently if in order to survive life.
What am I struggling with at the moment;
University: I don’t know if this is the right degree for me. This double-minded thinking can really take its toll on me. My best friend told me the other day that I need to go within in myself and listen to what my soul is trying to tell me. I need to be honest with myself.
Having stopped and started degree after degree because of this illness becoming to overwhelming, I have however decided that I need to finish this. Imagine how amazing I am going to feel knowing I completed something whilst struggling with this disease day in and day out.
Rejection: Last year I made no friends. I felt lonely and empty inside. I was so ill and negative that I believed I was not good enough for anyone. I felt as if I was not worthy to have any friends. I am struggling with self-love and if I don’t love myself, I often ask myself “why would others.” AND in order to avoid disappointment I started to believe, why try at all.
Confidence and self love.
I live in constant fear and anxiety. I always worry what others think or will think of me. I often compare my life to others, which does take its toll on my confidence. I always doubt myself. I am very indecisive and don’t believe in my own decisions that I always rely on others to make decisions for me. I struggle with the fact that I don’t know who I am anymore. Fear has robbed me of my confidence. I am always telling myself it wont work in order to avoid disappointment. I live if the “what ifs” or the “if only”. I struggle with failure and recovering from setbacks. I struggle to take action. With all of this I have lost total confidence within myself and instead of trying to stand out, I shrink back.
How is 2016 going to be different?
- I want to start putting myself out there with the belief that I am a good person and that anyone would be lucky enough to have me as a friend. I will have to start trying to get to know other people and approach them with a confident and positive attitude. In saying this, I should not try to conform in order to make friends, but have a healthy mental attitude that the right people will like me for me.
- I need to start becoming confident on the inside and out.
- I need to stop jumping to conclusions or over analyzing certain situations.
- With the help of DBT groups, my therapist, and my doctor I will have to address my anxiety, which is the main cause of my depression.
- I will have to start being more mindful and living in the moment.
- I will have to start practicing self-love.
- I will have to start being more grateful instead of waking up every morning, already having the attitude that “today is going to be a bad day”.
- I will have to find things outside my studies that give me pleasure and make time for those things. Trying new things and stepping out of my comfort zone could also be a great idea.
- I will need to be strict with others and myself by implementing healthy boundaries.
- I will have to really stay committed to my therapy and working on myself each and every day. Medication alone cannot cure me of this illness and that is why therapy is such a vital part of this process.
If you can relate I ask that you also start setting yourself goals this year. START SMALL. Even if you only try and accomplish one thing per week; be it by writing one thing you love about yourself, having a gratitude list, seeing your therapist, putting yourself out there and talking to a stranger be it only 5 minutes. Living with depression and borderline personality disorder is very difficult. Faith and hope can only take us thus far and thus we need to step out and take action.
All the best for 2016 and I hope you will also find comfort in this blog and know that you are not alone in your pain and struggles.
You are a beautiful, capable, courageous being and you need to start believing and fighting for a better life!