After i have started doing research, reading books, watching motivational preaches and videos i believe we are NOT ON EARTH for ourselves, but for others. To serve others. To use the talents given ourselves for others. "to live in service, not to you, but to live in service to humanity." YOU ARE HERE still for a reason.
Lately since my birthday which was on the 30th of April this year and i was the closest to killing myself ever, i have now realized i cannot do this on my own. I am so desperate i have handed my whole life and being to God. After i have started doing research, reading books, watching motivational preaches and videos i believe we are NOT ON EARTH for ourselves, but for others. To serve others. To use the talents given ourselves for others. "to live in service, not to you, but to live in service to humanity." YOU ARE HERE still for a reason.
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Lately i have been so scared. Scared for my future. Scared because of my current relationship with a guy. Scared when i have my "off" days, scared because my only friend, my best friend, is leaving soon for a job which is hours and hours away. Then i came upon this video. It didn't take my fears away, but at least put things into perspective. Fear robs us of our dreams, of amazing possibilities, it steals from us, it takes away, it leaves us crippled with a deep and dark loss, an abyss, a pit of nothingness. “Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. To make all your friends feel that there is something in them To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile. To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds. To live in faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”” — Christian D. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them Lately i have been feeling very discouraged. I took this year off so i could do things that i have always wanted to do but put off. serve in ministry was plan A, door after door has been shut in my face with that one. Plan B, modeling. !7 agencies turned me down until one accepted me, but because of my height i am on their small board and not their model board. Business opportunities came, build expectation and excitement just turned into a let down and disappointment. Its a mess. Then i came to the question, whats the message in all this mess. I wanted to give up. I loss trust and faith in the church. I felt that perhaps i was not all that beautiful being turned down countless times. I have lost trust in people with all their broken promises. But BAM, for the first time the only person i trust is myself. Fighting depression for 3 years the only one i could not trust is myself so event hough i have felt rejection and discouragement i finally came to the point of self trust, perhaps more vital than all of the above. We all feel discouraged from one time to another. Here is a video which inspired me to keep on keeping on. i came across this just today, a email sent from a friend just the beginning this year. ENJOY!
How I Prayed for Emotional Healing by Stormie Omartian Once I started walking with God I felt like my life had been a waste. I cried to the Lord saying, "Oh God, I've ruined everything. These past 29 years have been a total waste. My life is shattered in a million pieces that can never be put back together again. Oh, Lord, I’m grateful that You’ve given me hope and peace and eternal life, but as far as my life ever amounting to anything, how can it happen? In the midst of my utter distress I heard God speak to my heart words of comfort: “I am a Redeemer. I redeem all things I make all things new. Whatever you’ve lost I will restore. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter what’s happened to you. I can take all the hurt, the pain, and the scars. Not only can I heal them, but I can make them count for something.” My tears flowed without end. I wondered how could God ever accomplish all that, even though I sincerely believed that all things were possible with Him, because His Word said so. “God, I surrender my life to You. Don’t let me ever be in the wrong place again,” I prayed. Until this moment I had only received His life. But now I full surrendered mine to Him. As I viewed the failure and rubble of my past, I knew I couldn’t navigate on my own anymore. I wanted God to take my life and do with it what He wanted. He would certainly do a better job than I had done. I gradually discovered that while receiving Jesus as my personal Savior and being born into the kingdom of God was instant, allowing Him to become Lord over my life was a process. I let Him have more and more of me as I went along, but each time I thought I had given Him my all, I discovered I had only given all I could. If I wanted to live in peace, enjoying God’s full measure of blessing, I had to obey God’s Word — not in the strict, legalistic sense, but with an attitude that says, “Show me what to do, Lord, and help me to do it.” In order to live in obedience to God’s Word, I needed to find out what His Word said. So I bought a large, heavy Bible that had four different translations in it. I read the Bible from beginning to end in one translation, then began all over in another. People who saw me lugging that huge Bible to church must have thought me exceedingly spiritual. I wasn’t. Just exceptionally hungry. As my hunger for God’s Word grew, so did my desire for more teaching. Attending church once a week was not enough, so I added Wednesday and Sunday evenings to my schedule. This also opened up possibilities for making more new friends, and I found associating with them a significant source of strength and encouragement. I met my husband on a record session, but we didn’t start seriously seeing each other until we met again in church after I had become a believer. We were married about a year later and soon realized that we had neglected to take one very important step of obedience – that of being baptized in water. Jesus Himself was baptized in order to do what was right, and He commanded us all to do the same. Still cautious about doing something that was merely a religious ritual as opposed to taking a step of obedience with understanding, I studied further. I found out that baptism in water was an act of obedience by which the lordship of Jesus in your life is declared. The past is washed away in the water and you come up cleansed while it remains buried. There was nothing magical about the water itself. The power is not in the water, but in being obedient to the Word of God whether you understand it fully or not. All steps of obedience, and this one especially, carried with it the opportunity for deliverance, freedom, and wholeness, and I desired everything that God had for me. After discussing it with Michael one afternoon, we were baptized together that same night. I didn’t feel any different after ward, except that I had the joy and confidence that comes from knowing you’ve obeyed God. Still, through all the growth, I continued to struggle with depression. Oddly enough, my depression seemed to be growing in intensity. Every morning when I awoke I was plagued with thoughts of suicide. It was like a bad habit I couldn’t break. However, I wasn’t shy about asking for help at church. I was so convinced that Jesus was the answer to every need that I regularly visited the counseling office. The counsel I received always helped, but the problem of depression was never completely eliminated. I could not understand why. I had the gift of eternal life and total forgiveness from Jesus. I had a loving pastor who taught me much about God and the Bible. I had a wonderful husband and financial security, so I no longer had to work to survive. Yet I still felt like I had nothing to live for. What was the matter with me? Was a part of me missing, just like with my mother? I was still afraid that I would end up crazy like her. If I had much to be happy about and yet remained depressed, if I had everything to live for and still wanted to die, then what hope was there for me? I was certain that Jesus was the answer to my every need, and if He couldn’t help me, then nothing could. As the suicidal feelings increased, Michael urged me to call the counseling office again. I was embarrassed at the frequency with which I made appointments there, but the staff didn’t seem discouraged by this. They ushered me into the assistant pastor’s office and I told him about the length and severity of this depression, plus the suicidal feelings that weren’t letting up. He thought a moment, then said, “I think you’d better see Mary Anne.” Mary Anne turned out to be a pastor’s wife and a member of the regular counseling staff at the church. She was steeped in the Word of God and had great faith to pray for and see people set free from emotional pain. She was highly knowledgeable about people with my kind of problem and was one of the most powerful ministers of God I’ve ever met. I entered her office and sat in the chair across the desk from her. She looked up from her papers and gave me a big smile. She had a beautiful face of intelligence, understanding, and warmth, and I felt comfortable in confessing my problems and past to her. She listened for a long time, nodding thoughtfully and seeming not the least bit shocked by anything I said. “You need deliverance,” she stated matter-of-factly when I had finished talking. “Do you know what deliverance is?” I shook my head. I had heard the term but didn’t understand it. It sounded like a strange activity involving red-eyed demons and whirlwinds, but I could tell by her calm demeanor that this was not what she meant. “Don’t let the word ‘deliverance’ frighten you,” Mary Anne explained. “It’s a process of becoming everything God made you to be. Deliverance removes all the past brokenness and bondage from a person’s life so that the real you can come forth. A lot of people are afraid of deliverance because they think it will change them. But deliverance doesn’t change you; it releases you. “I’m talking about oppression and not possession,” she continued. “There are spirits that attach themselves to you. They can come into anyone’s life through the work of the devil, who has been allowed to influence our lives through our own sin. Our responsibility is to pray for deliverance from whatever oppression is tormenting you, whether fear or suicidal thoughts or whatever. Second Corinthians 1:10 says that Jesus will continue to deliver you. Deliverance is like salvation in that we don’t earn it. It is God’s gift to us.” Mary Anne had me go home and fast and pray for 3 days and when I came back to her office again she and another pastor's wife prayed for me to be free from depression and suicidal thoughts. I felt it lift. The next morning I awoke without any feelings of depression whatsoever — no thought of suicide, no heaviness in my chest, no fearful anticipation of the future. I waited all day for it to return, but it didn’t. Day after day it was the same. I never again experienced those feelings, nor the paralysis that accompanied them. I had gone into that counseling office knowing Jesus as Savior, but I came out knowing Him also as my Deliverer. So often when we think we have been given a second shot at life we expect things to be different. Easier.
Well that's what i thought as i entered into my new life after my last (6th rehab center.) We think now that we "survivors" life owes us something. That "something" which had been taken away from us for all this time. Well done, you didn't kill yourself; "here is a gold star and a guarantee that everything is just going to go the way you want" FUCK NO! i wish..... I left rehab, found God and thought i am all set. Well, just because i had 3 months to heal, does not mean your family forgets what you have put them through all these years. OBVIOUSLY....you never wish depression or the addiction to death upon anyone, and if you could go back you would of made sure things would not turn out the way they did. This struggle almost broke you, in fact it crippled you, not to mention all the people and opportunities at life you lost along the way, and lets not forget the damage done to your family. Emotionally and financially. The life after is hard. you come back realizing ; that life does not stop for nobody. who cares and who doesn't Now that you "healed" or strong enough to take the truth, people no longer walk on egg shells so that you wont go and kill yourself after every honest nasty comment, the truth kept in for so long comes pouring out. I think its also a matter of miscommuinication, misconception. My sisters probably look at me without realizing how hard i have fought for my life, them being a big part of why i agreed to try rehabilitation so that i wouldn't WANT TO DIE! they probably look at me and think wow she is happy now and we sitting with all the scars, lets lash out, tell her exactly what we think. YOU BROKE THE FAMILY! WHEN YOU WERE IN REHAB IT WAS BETTER WITHOUT YOU. instead of thinking where this is coming from, we that are so use to going into our bubble of "self-pitty" and "victim-mode" slip right back in. Do i deserve the truth? yes. Am i ready for it? NO. is anyone ever? I just came out, fresh skin around my bones, stronger, no longer a victim, but not yet a hero in your own story either. Yes you "healed", but you still get "those days", the ones where your head corrupts your whole being, your thoughts become your worst enemy, and it is so difficult to get out of bed. BUT> YOU DO! you may not be "normal" as you want to be, but you no longer as weak, you have the tools to fight this now. However when people tell you "the truth that hurts", or the plans you make are crossed out after rejection after rejection, its so easy to slip into your old ways. "POOR ME" "DOES THE FAMILY NOT REALIZE I FOUGHT SO HARD BECAUSE OF THEM." "THIS WHOLE REALITY THING JUST ISN'T FOR SOME OF US" well let me be bluntly honest. CUT THE BULLSHIT. life is not easy. it will never go a 100% the way you want it. If you have depression like me, and you have decided you tired of being the "sick" one, then stay within the role of the "less sick" one. I made a promise to myself when i left rehab, no more pitty-parties, selfish "i want to kill myself talk", i am now the victor no long the victim. Can i tell you, LIFE HAS BEEN PRETTY FUCKEN BLEEK UP TILL NOW. - i decided to start over completely- leave the "friends" who didn't give a fuck about you behind RESULT: NO FRIENDS - take a year off and spoil yourself, give back, serve god, do things you enjoy to see that life can be amazing RESULT: after how many calls, emails, research, i have only had rejection after rejection....im still stuck at home trying to find something to do -i told my family to be honest with me RESULT: "you strong now" whenever we going through whatever, even if you not involved lets lash out on you ----ME: "poor me": but today i have made the conscious decision. TO HELL WITH THAT. -how can i expect to make friends if i don't get familiar with myself first, im only now starting a healthy relationship with myself...be patient. -things don't work out, GREAT, eliminate that- god does not want that for you, try again!!!!!!! AND AGAIN. -the family lashes out. GREAT!!!! they can see how much you have improved and have taken you out the sick category, don't feel sorry for yourself, realize that they can see your improvement BUTTTTT "THEIR SHIT IS THEIR SHIT" ....FUCKEN WALK AWAY! why do you want to revert to the past? sleep the whole day? feel sorry for yourself? want to kill yourself when things don't work out? want to run away when the family says you ruined everything? i have thing to say to all of that. " na ah NOT ME. I CHOOSE LIFE. I CHOOSE STRENGTH. I CHOOSE GOD. I CHOOSE TO WALK AWAY WHEN YOU TRYING TO BREAK ME DOWN. I CHOOSE LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS AND THUS I CHOOSE WISELY WHO I WANT TO ASSOCIATE MYSELF WITH. YOUR PLANS KEEP BOMBING OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN, GREEEEEAT AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NOT GOING TO DO THIS YEAR!!!!( TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN TILL YOU FIND WHAT YOU GOING TO DO) - WE DONT SETTLE FOR LESS. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE FULL OF POTENTIAL. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE NO LONGER A VICTIM OF YOUR PAST. MOVE ON. LOOK FORWARD. and when you can feel yourself falling into the "poor me" "self-pity" party, fucken stand up, dust yourself off, and change the fucken party you were planning on going to. amen x For me 2014 isnt just a new year it’s a new beginning.
A new life that has arised after years of suffering. To me its not what will make 2014 better than 2013? . To me 2014 is the meaning of a new life, new beginnings, ….the actual question is what will make 2014 better than my entire past as this is my new shot at life. Lets say I have been reborn into this year, and although I am aware of the past…the past hurts, sufferings, dissapointments, mistakes…I cannot carry them through with me into 2014. Last year after rehab, after giving my life over to the care of god, I had to let go of every friendship that I knew….i had to start forming postivive habits out of the negative ones( yes it is still a process), I had to reevaluate and ask myself…WHO ARE you…and who do you want to be. i had to let go of a lot until my life was naked...until all i had was god. I know who I am now, but 2014 is the start of who I want to be. It’s the blank canvas to my life. All the other pages have been erased in my book of life and 2014 is the beginning chapter. What will these pages, this naked canvas include then? Only faith and trust in god, work, determination, perseverance, endurance, and patience will tell. I need to start distinguishing between the right choices and the wrong, as i know each has a different consequence. - what you sow is what you reap. I need to know myself and study myself, where in comparison to the past i knew others better than myself just because i wanted "friends" i wanted to fit in. I need to be ME, and thus i will attract the right people. Satan will still disguise the wrong one's as right and thus i need gods mercy and grace and his shelter of protection to help me tell the difference. From WHO AM I? WHO DO I WANT TO BE? i should start creating a life. So many people are busy creating a lifestyle, that they forget to create a life. OUT OF MY LIFE...a lifestyle will emerge. I need to use this as my foundation in deciding what am i passionate about? where is the end in my mind?, and just by taking that first step, i can start climbing to where it is where i want to be. Succesful but also full of significance. I know you cannot fly to the top and thus my end goal must be based on ....what does god want for me? what am i passionate about? what will make me happy? in that will i be making others happy? if i can use these questions to form the end in mind, the journey might be tough but it will be worthwhile. Goodbye 2013,2012,2011,2010,2009,2008,2007,2006,2005,2004,2003,2002,2001,2000,1999,1998,1997,1996,1995,1994,1993,1992...... hello new life. HELLO 2014!!!!!! So i am back from an incredible holiday.
The first week included us living amongst the most beautiful breathtaking greenery of mountains, not even photographs could capture the beauty of it. My inner child definitely came out with bungy jumping and other adrenalin fueled activities. As a family- even though holidays are suppose to bring you closer, that first week was hell. Tension was rising and since i have been back from rehab i will admit it is difficult for them to understand that you are okey, they can trust you. In that misunderstanding, you also have to prove yourself so when problems arise for you which would disappoint the normal person, you don't know how to act. You want to be real but you don't want to scare them? Its been a very confusing and difficult journey with the family since i have been back. i received my healing, but they still hold on to their fear, resentment, pain etc. And even though you fought for your life, you cant understand them saying " it would be better without you here." VERY CONFUSING. On top of that i took my boyfriend back who broke up with me over watsapp and that caused the biggest family feud as my family dislikes him to the point where he is no longer welcome at our home. Well they were right, out of the blue again, 2 days ago, over the phone he ended things with me once again. Thereafter we went on a boat cruise. I decided to give my family some space and surprisingly had one of the best holidays in a while. I didn't have to fake my happiness. I didn't have any days of depression or sadness. I was not the insecure girl whom no one would ever approach because of all the negative energy she radiated. I met and made incredible friends. We became the cruise familia. Different backgrounds, stories, lives, city's but we all just meshed and had the most amazing time. I finally realized what it meant to be really happy and confident in your skin. Why invert, why run away from people, why be scared...once you open yourself up and realize you of the same breed, and you have nothing to be afraid of...the results are amazing and endless. Now i am back, and reality brings up a lot of sadness and fear but where there are fairytales there are also realities to follow. i need to figure out what i want out of this year, who do i want to be, how does god want to use me, and i need to start painting that blank canvas called "life"....exciting....but scary,.... until tomorrow. Happy. confident. girl. what if we could go back in time? Yesterday me and my sister went to watch the movie "about time" wow if you love romance, comedy, and something just to distract the mind this movie is perfect for you. Without giving much away its basically about a father ( played by Bill Nighy- that funny singer dude from love actually) who tells his son that their family secret is that they can time travel. Now many times the men have used it for money, fame, his father particularly to get through every well written novel he can (i.e Ermest Hemmingway etc) ... However, his son decides that he wants to use it to find a girlfriend. He see's "Mary(Rachel McAdams) and from that day he does everything in his power to do everything right in their relationship( ie. the first time they had sex, (rewind) haha, the way he proposes (rewind-retake), the best man speech( rewind-rechoose)....no tricks to make her fall in love with him, just to get every moment "perfect enough" for her. Ah the way he see's her, cherishes her, fights for her, values her is what every man on earth should do if he is REALLY in love with you. The relationship with his dad is incredible. What an amazing father. So much love for his son. So much humor and compassion imprinted within him...so much support. This guy is a lucky son and boyfriend. At the end, not to give much away his father and him time travel back to the beach when Bill Nighy takes his son( much younger) to the beach, a memory they have previously shared together. Now i usually never cry in movie, but what a trigger. I lost my dad four years ago and he never showed any love towards me. A lot of rejection involved and unsaid words. My boyfriend who i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with broke up with me (over watsapp i might add) on sunday and wow i fought and felt about him how this guy feels about this girl......but unfortunately you cant force someone to love you the way you love him....i was sobbing....IF ONLY i could go back in time, act differently, say or not say things at all in some petty situations, try and force a relationship with my dad......BUT......I CANT. The moral of the STORY IS....."there are great limits to what time travel can achieve, and it can be dangerous too. About Time is a comedy about love and time travel, which discovers that, in the end, making the most of life may not need time travel at all." I cant go back in time and make my father love me, or make sure that each moment between me and the love of life was perfect enough to end in a fairytale, but after that great loss ( same as in the movie that the guy experiences after he time travels and lives each day twice, to really appreciate it the seond time, i can move forward, i dont have that second chance, i cant take moments for granted yesterday, today, tomorrow.......but i can pay attention, listen to the songs of the birds, smell the flowers, embrace the oxygen and that im still alive. you cant go back and change things, but you can decide TODAY- that things are about to change. mistakes are often our best friends, now i choose them to be my greatest teacher. |
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