― Marilyn Monroe | ThinkPozitive.com — with Sumit Kumar Jangid.
“just because you fail once, it doesn't mean you're going to fail at everything. keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself because if you don't, then who will? so keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
― Marilyn Monroe | ThinkPozitive.com — with Sumit Kumar Jangid.
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For those of you that can agree and relate, 2015 was an intense year.
For me, I had started my first year of varsity specializing in accounting. I moved to a new place where I knew no one, started a very time consuming coarse, and I had gone into the year scared and fearful. To recap, I really struggled. Academically I did really well and I have been accepted to go on to my second year. However, because of life pressures, and feeling very alone, as I had made no friends, I really struggled. In November 2015 I ended up in a clinic one again (my 9th time). Once again I feel I had failed another year and failed myself. Unfortunately, I struggle to cope with life itself. Now 2016, as I am writing this, I find myself in the clinic again. The last couple of months I have been very rundown and unhappy. This time however is different. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, and for this year to be bigger and better I have realized I need to change my game plan. Whilst being in the clinic I underwent a new treatment- Ketamine infusion. I will write more about that later. I also realized that this year I need to do things very differently if in order to survive life. What am I struggling with at the moment; University: I don’t know if this is the right degree for me. This double-minded thinking can really take its toll on me. My best friend told me the other day that I need to go within in myself and listen to what my soul is trying to tell me. I need to be honest with myself. Having stopped and started degree after degree because of this illness becoming to overwhelming, I have however decided that I need to finish this. Imagine how amazing I am going to feel knowing I completed something whilst struggling with this disease day in and day out. Rejection: Last year I made no friends. I felt lonely and empty inside. I was so ill and negative that I believed I was not good enough for anyone. I felt as if I was not worthy to have any friends. I am struggling with self-love and if I don’t love myself, I often ask myself “why would others.” AND in order to avoid disappointment I started to believe, why try at all. Confidence and self love. I live in constant fear and anxiety. I always worry what others think or will think of me. I often compare my life to others, which does take its toll on my confidence. I always doubt myself. I am very indecisive and don’t believe in my own decisions that I always rely on others to make decisions for me. I struggle with the fact that I don’t know who I am anymore. Fear has robbed me of my confidence. I am always telling myself it wont work in order to avoid disappointment. I live if the “what ifs” or the “if only”. I struggle with failure and recovering from setbacks. I struggle to take action. With all of this I have lost total confidence within myself and instead of trying to stand out, I shrink back. How is 2016 going to be different?
If you can relate I ask that you also start setting yourself goals this year. START SMALL. Even if you only try and accomplish one thing per week; be it by writing one thing you love about yourself, having a gratitude list, seeing your therapist, putting yourself out there and talking to a stranger be it only 5 minutes. Living with depression and borderline personality disorder is very difficult. Faith and hope can only take us thus far and thus we need to step out and take action. All the best for 2016 and I hope you will also find comfort in this blog and know that you are not alone in your pain and struggles. You are a beautiful, capable, courageous being and you need to start believing and fighting for a better life! So today I just wanted to say thanks.
When I started this blog, come to think of it now, I am not exactly sure WHY?!. Perhaps to express myself, let others realize that you cannot sweep your struggles or mental disorders under the rug, even though they go unnoticed by those that do not understand. You allowed to feel, you allowed to admit to yourself something is wrong and I wanted to let this blog trigger those realizations and manifest into a voice. A loud voice. I know I didn’t start this with the hope and expectation to get comments like “wow you inspire”, or, “this blog has really helped me”, I didn’t even expect others to open up to me. But with the few messages I have received I would like to say thanks. I have not conquered this, I just know that at the end of the day I still choose life over death, so that makes us victors of the day. I have my bad days and when I receive those short messages from some of you, you just lift me up. You touch the places that are sometimes dormant, thank you. Sometimes I go through seasons in my life where I too am tired, feeling totally used up, and then someone writes to me, and it just gives me hope. It motivates me to continue this blog and to continue pushing forward. You too help in my healing. Thank you. She's the places that
she has a desire to visit. She's the pieces of quotes that are plastered in ink in her favorite books. She's the road trips she hopes to go on. She's the beautiful characters that mesmerizes her in her favorite books. She's full of dreams, and i hope they one day come true. -Alexa Evangelista I recently read this quotes online:
" People talk about depression like it is something weak. But coming out of it and through it, to the other side, Alive, is the strongest and bravest thing you will ever do." “Actions create consequences. Consequences which produce new worlds, and they’re all different. Where the bodies are buried in the desert, that is a certain world, where the bodies are simply left to be found, that is another. At some point you will have to acknowledge the reality of the world you are in. There is not some other world. This is not a hiatus. I would urge you to see the truth of the situation you’re in. That is my advice. It is not for me to tell you what you should have done, or not done. The world in which you seek to undo the mistakes that you made is different than the world in which they were made. You’re now at the crossing, and you want to choose, but there is no choosing. There’s only accepting. The choosing was done a long time ago.[...]"
"Do you know the words of Machado? A beautiful poet. Machado was a school teacher and he married a young beautiful girl, and he loved her very much. And she died and then he became a poet. Machado would have traded every word, every poem, every verse he ever wrote for one more hour with his beloved and that is because when it comes to grief, there is no rule of exchange. Grief transcends every value. A man would give up whole nations to lift it from his heart. And yet with it, you can buy nothing. Because grief is worthless.You continue to deny the reality of the world you live in. You are at the crossing. At the understanding that life isn’t going to take you back. You are the world you have created.”" I recently watched the movie "The counselor" At the end one man says this to another. When i searched for this quote i came upon a man's response to this. "I am a man who stands at the crossing. Make no mistake, there’s a difference between the crossing and the crossroads. The crossroads is a juncture. The crossing is the point of no return. I stand now past the point of no returning. I have made my choices. There is no going back.." This is what i think We have all been there. Choices lead to a certain reality. If we picked A it would of created one reality. Should we have picked B, another. But we are here now, living this reality, no turning back, all we can do is accept it. Acceptance you say! Yes it is very difficult, i too struggle with his concept. I would trade so much just to of gone back, so that my current reality could of turned out differently. SEE..."A man would give up whole nations to lift it from his heart. And yet with it, you can buy nothing. Because grief is worthless.You continue to deny the reality of the world you live in. You are at the crossing. At the understanding that life isn’t going to take you back. You are the world you have created.”" Why can't we accept it? Because it hurts. Acceptance would mean to let go; let go of the pain, our mistakes, our struggles we have carried for so long.....a comfortable place we have found ourselves in for months perhaps years...... what have the above quotation meant to you regarding your life and journey? This is a amazing book. I have read it 5 times already and i am on my 6th. As stated: bitch means simply “Bitch (noun): A woman who won't bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else's opinion - be it a man or anyone else in her life. She understands that if someone does not approve of her, it's just one person's opinion; therefore, it's of no real importance. She doesn't try to live up to anyone else's standards - only her own. Because of this, she relates to a man very differently.” During the course of the book there are a 100 attraction principles and i thought i would share some with you. Some made me think, others put things into great perspective, others i have practiced and THEY WORK, and some are needed as a reminder during almost every relationship, or just before it becomes something more. ENJOY! 1. Anything a person chases in life runs away. 2. A woman is perceived as offering a mental challenge to the degree that a man doesn’t feel he has a 100 percent hold on her. 3. If you start out dependent, it turns him off. But if it is something he can’t have, it becomes more of a challenge for him to get it. 4. The biggest variable between a bitch and a woman who is too nice is fear. The bitch shows that she’s not afraid to be without him. 5. If you smother him, he’ll go into defense mode and look for an escape route to protect his freedom. 6.A bitch gives a man plenty of space so he doesn’t fear being trapped in a cage. Then..he sets out to trap her in his. 7.He must feel that you choose to be with him, not that you need to be with him. Only then will he perceive you as an equal partner. 8. If a man has to wait before he sleeps with a woman, he’ll not only perceive her as more beautiful, he’ll also take him time to appreciate who she is. 9. Every man wants to have sex first; whether he wants a girlfriend is something he thinks about later. By not giving him what he wants up front, you become his girlfriend without him realizing it. 10. When a woman acts as though she’s capable of everything, she gets stuck doing everything. 11. Men don’t respond to words. They respond to no contact. 12. Talking about the “relationship” too much takes away the element of the “unknown” and thus the mystery. 13. Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves. 14. A woman looks more secure in a man’s eyes when he can’t pull her away from her life, because she is content with her life. 15. You jump through hoops any time you repeatedly make it very obvious you’re giving your “all.” 16. The nice girl gives away too much of herself when pleasing him regularly becomes more important than pleasing herself. 17. The relationship may not be right for you if you find yourself jumping through hoops. When something is right, it will feel easier and much more effortless. 18. When you nag, he tunes you out. But when you speak with your actions, he pays attention. 19. A little distance combined with the appearance of self-control makes him nervous that he may be losing you. 20. When you nag, you become the problem, and he deals with it by tuning you out. But when you don’t nag, he deals with the problem. 21. Talking about feelings to a man will feel like work. When he’s with a woman, he wants it to feel like fun. 22. Forcing him to talk about feelings all the time will not only make you seem needy, it will eventually make him lose respect. And when he loses respect, he’ll pay even less attention to your feelings. 23. When a man falls in love, suddenly he’ll go out of his way and think nothing of it. He’ll do things for this woman he wouldn’t have done for anyone else. 24. The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be. 25. If you make it too obvious that you’re excited to get something, some people will be tempted to dangle a carrot in front of your face. 26. If he doesn’t give you a time, you don’t have a date. 27. A man feels he’s won, or conqured a woman, when she eats out of the palm of his hand. At which point, he begins to get bored. 28. A “yes” woman who gives too much sends the impression that she belives in the man more than she believes in herself. Men view this as weakness not kindness. 29. Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them. 30. He simply won’t respect a woman who automatically goes into overdrive to please him. Lately i have been so scared. Scared for my future. Scared because of my current relationship with a guy. Scared when i have my "off" days, scared because my only friend, my best friend, is leaving soon for a job which is hours and hours away. Then i came upon this video. It didn't take my fears away, but at least put things into perspective. Fear robs us of our dreams, of amazing possibilities, it steals from us, it takes away, it leaves us crippled with a deep and dark loss, an abyss, a pit of nothingness. |
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