yet so sad
Always saying no one
will ever love her.
and yet when somebody tells her
that they love her she runs and hides
silly girl,
they love you
YOU JUST DON'T LOVE YOURSELF!
Here are a collection of my thoughts, struggles, and any "lightbulb" moments i might have, in hope for you to realize you are not alone.
She's so beautiful
yet so sad Always saying no one will ever love her. and yet when somebody tells her that they love her she runs and hides silly girl, they love you YOU JUST DON'T LOVE YOURSELF!
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This is a amazing book. I have read it 5 times already and i am on my 6th. As stated: bitch means simply “Bitch (noun): A woman who won't bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else's opinion - be it a man or anyone else in her life. She understands that if someone does not approve of her, it's just one person's opinion; therefore, it's of no real importance. She doesn't try to live up to anyone else's standards - only her own. Because of this, she relates to a man very differently.” During the course of the book there are a 100 attraction principles and i thought i would share some with you. Some made me think, others put things into great perspective, others i have practiced and THEY WORK, and some are needed as a reminder during almost every relationship, or just before it becomes something more. ENJOY! 1. Anything a person chases in life runs away. 2. A woman is perceived as offering a mental challenge to the degree that a man doesn’t feel he has a 100 percent hold on her. 3. If you start out dependent, it turns him off. But if it is something he can’t have, it becomes more of a challenge for him to get it. 4. The biggest variable between a bitch and a woman who is too nice is fear. The bitch shows that she’s not afraid to be without him. 5. If you smother him, he’ll go into defense mode and look for an escape route to protect his freedom. 6.A bitch gives a man plenty of space so he doesn’t fear being trapped in a cage. Then..he sets out to trap her in his. 7.He must feel that you choose to be with him, not that you need to be with him. Only then will he perceive you as an equal partner. 8. If a man has to wait before he sleeps with a woman, he’ll not only perceive her as more beautiful, he’ll also take him time to appreciate who she is. 9. Every man wants to have sex first; whether he wants a girlfriend is something he thinks about later. By not giving him what he wants up front, you become his girlfriend without him realizing it. 10. When a woman acts as though she’s capable of everything, she gets stuck doing everything. 11. Men don’t respond to words. They respond to no contact. 12. Talking about the “relationship” too much takes away the element of the “unknown” and thus the mystery. 13. Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves. 14. A woman looks more secure in a man’s eyes when he can’t pull her away from her life, because she is content with her life. 15. You jump through hoops any time you repeatedly make it very obvious you’re giving your “all.” 16. The nice girl gives away too much of herself when pleasing him regularly becomes more important than pleasing herself. 17. The relationship may not be right for you if you find yourself jumping through hoops. When something is right, it will feel easier and much more effortless. 18. When you nag, he tunes you out. But when you speak with your actions, he pays attention. 19. A little distance combined with the appearance of self-control makes him nervous that he may be losing you. 20. When you nag, you become the problem, and he deals with it by tuning you out. But when you don’t nag, he deals with the problem. 21. Talking about feelings to a man will feel like work. When he’s with a woman, he wants it to feel like fun. 22. Forcing him to talk about feelings all the time will not only make you seem needy, it will eventually make him lose respect. And when he loses respect, he’ll pay even less attention to your feelings. 23. When a man falls in love, suddenly he’ll go out of his way and think nothing of it. He’ll do things for this woman he wouldn’t have done for anyone else. 24. The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be. 25. If you make it too obvious that you’re excited to get something, some people will be tempted to dangle a carrot in front of your face. 26. If he doesn’t give you a time, you don’t have a date. 27. A man feels he’s won, or conqured a woman, when she eats out of the palm of his hand. At which point, he begins to get bored. 28. A “yes” woman who gives too much sends the impression that she belives in the man more than she believes in herself. Men view this as weakness not kindness. 29. Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them. 30. He simply won’t respect a woman who automatically goes into overdrive to please him. Lately i have been so scared. Scared for my future. Scared because of my current relationship with a guy. Scared when i have my "off" days, scared because my only friend, my best friend, is leaving soon for a job which is hours and hours away. Then i came upon this video. It didn't take my fears away, but at least put things into perspective. Fear robs us of our dreams, of amazing possibilities, it steals from us, it takes away, it leaves us crippled with a deep and dark loss, an abyss, a pit of nothingness. So often when we think we have been given a second shot at life we expect things to be different. Easier.
Well that's what i thought as i entered into my new life after my last (6th rehab center.) We think now that we "survivors" life owes us something. That "something" which had been taken away from us for all this time. Well done, you didn't kill yourself; "here is a gold star and a guarantee that everything is just going to go the way you want" FUCK NO! i wish..... I left rehab, found God and thought i am all set. Well, just because i had 3 months to heal, does not mean your family forgets what you have put them through all these years. OBVIOUSLY....you never wish depression or the addiction to death upon anyone, and if you could go back you would of made sure things would not turn out the way they did. This struggle almost broke you, in fact it crippled you, not to mention all the people and opportunities at life you lost along the way, and lets not forget the damage done to your family. Emotionally and financially. The life after is hard. you come back realizing ; that life does not stop for nobody. who cares and who doesn't Now that you "healed" or strong enough to take the truth, people no longer walk on egg shells so that you wont go and kill yourself after every honest nasty comment, the truth kept in for so long comes pouring out. I think its also a matter of miscommuinication, misconception. My sisters probably look at me without realizing how hard i have fought for my life, them being a big part of why i agreed to try rehabilitation so that i wouldn't WANT TO DIE! they probably look at me and think wow she is happy now and we sitting with all the scars, lets lash out, tell her exactly what we think. YOU BROKE THE FAMILY! WHEN YOU WERE IN REHAB IT WAS BETTER WITHOUT YOU. instead of thinking where this is coming from, we that are so use to going into our bubble of "self-pitty" and "victim-mode" slip right back in. Do i deserve the truth? yes. Am i ready for it? NO. is anyone ever? I just came out, fresh skin around my bones, stronger, no longer a victim, but not yet a hero in your own story either. Yes you "healed", but you still get "those days", the ones where your head corrupts your whole being, your thoughts become your worst enemy, and it is so difficult to get out of bed. BUT> YOU DO! you may not be "normal" as you want to be, but you no longer as weak, you have the tools to fight this now. However when people tell you "the truth that hurts", or the plans you make are crossed out after rejection after rejection, its so easy to slip into your old ways. "POOR ME" "DOES THE FAMILY NOT REALIZE I FOUGHT SO HARD BECAUSE OF THEM." "THIS WHOLE REALITY THING JUST ISN'T FOR SOME OF US" well let me be bluntly honest. CUT THE BULLSHIT. life is not easy. it will never go a 100% the way you want it. If you have depression like me, and you have decided you tired of being the "sick" one, then stay within the role of the "less sick" one. I made a promise to myself when i left rehab, no more pitty-parties, selfish "i want to kill myself talk", i am now the victor no long the victim. Can i tell you, LIFE HAS BEEN PRETTY FUCKEN BLEEK UP TILL NOW. - i decided to start over completely- leave the "friends" who didn't give a fuck about you behind RESULT: NO FRIENDS - take a year off and spoil yourself, give back, serve god, do things you enjoy to see that life can be amazing RESULT: after how many calls, emails, research, i have only had rejection after rejection....im still stuck at home trying to find something to do -i told my family to be honest with me RESULT: "you strong now" whenever we going through whatever, even if you not involved lets lash out on you ----ME: "poor me": but today i have made the conscious decision. TO HELL WITH THAT. -how can i expect to make friends if i don't get familiar with myself first, im only now starting a healthy relationship with myself...be patient. -things don't work out, GREAT, eliminate that- god does not want that for you, try again!!!!!!! AND AGAIN. -the family lashes out. GREAT!!!! they can see how much you have improved and have taken you out the sick category, don't feel sorry for yourself, realize that they can see your improvement BUTTTTT "THEIR SHIT IS THEIR SHIT" ....FUCKEN WALK AWAY! why do you want to revert to the past? sleep the whole day? feel sorry for yourself? want to kill yourself when things don't work out? want to run away when the family says you ruined everything? i have thing to say to all of that. " na ah NOT ME. I CHOOSE LIFE. I CHOOSE STRENGTH. I CHOOSE GOD. I CHOOSE TO WALK AWAY WHEN YOU TRYING TO BREAK ME DOWN. I CHOOSE LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS AND THUS I CHOOSE WISELY WHO I WANT TO ASSOCIATE MYSELF WITH. YOUR PLANS KEEP BOMBING OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN, GREEEEEAT AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NOT GOING TO DO THIS YEAR!!!!( TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN TILL YOU FIND WHAT YOU GOING TO DO) - WE DONT SETTLE FOR LESS. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE FULL OF POTENTIAL. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE NO LONGER A VICTIM OF YOUR PAST. MOVE ON. LOOK FORWARD. and when you can feel yourself falling into the "poor me" "self-pity" party, fucken stand up, dust yourself off, and change the fucken party you were planning on going to. amen x Ever met someone who knew the darkest and dustiest corners of your life. Both of you share a level of brokenness and in your darkest moment, meeting one another, it feels as though both of you have saved one another from a indescribable pit of hell. There are no games. He accepts you and loves you completely, regardless of your flaws and the fact that you display a cancer, a deep routed disease, a "cancer of the soul" , also known as depression...he accepts you. He himself is broken, fragile, and lost - however together you both fill one others deep, dark, empty, abyss that exists within each of your souls. He carries you and you carry him. You fall and he picks you up. He falls, and you lift him up. A perfect passionate romance, one that no one understands but the two of you.
But you tired of being sick, a victim to depression, in need of a crutch and thus desperately trying to escape the darkness you in, you decide to seek help. 3 months away. But he waits. This makes you love him even more. You get back. More in love. Stronger. Capable of self-love and thus capable of giving him the love he always deserved. You no longer need a crutch and you ready to walk this journey with him upright, no longer with broken wings, a broken soul. Everyday he makes you fall in love with him even more. You love this idea of this new found and felt love. You addicted. A new drug.? A sweet enticing fix. At least this new found addiction...replaces a long time addiction of wanting to die. You are so alive. Full of hope. Passionate. You start to believe its love that conquers all. 2 weeks of being back he makes sure you in it for the long haul. You both start looking at engagement rings. He implants this movie, this fairy tale of happily ever after in your head. You excited, no longer sick, no longer in need for him to be your crutch, excited about your new discovered love for life, a life including him. He assures you of that. A week later. On a Saturday morning he drops you off somewhere to spend time with his sister, she is new in town, in from America. You couldn't wait to meet her. And to his surprise she opened up to you, you thought of her to be very kind. Accepting. Only now you curious as to why....what influence this had on things that were seemingly perfect. After saying goodbye he still messages you that he misses you. A few hours go by and Unexpectedly he breaks up with you over a SMS. You phone him only for him to crush you, break your heart even further. It makes no sense...."I just want to be alone right now. But I love you. Can't picture my future with anyone else. My heart is broken. But I do miss you." Are the words strung together ...uttered from his mouth, his only explanation for his love that Has come to a end. It completely fucks with your mind. Your world. What the ....... You came back feeling as though you completely healed. Strong. Excited that he no longer has to spend that extra energy to lift you up. Excited that you have discovered what love really is and you can now shower him with its loveliness. You now passionate about life. not only because you get to spend it with him but excited for your own journey to come . You start planning your own future. And his plans you deeply encourage as well. Through rehabilitation, through healing, you have regained this indescribable hope, a tremendous strength within. Since your return ....he affirms you daily of this. Apparently ea h and every day he falls more and more in love with you. He loves your new found independence. Your new found inner strength, wisdom, knowledge, contentment, maturity, compassion, joy. But it was all short lived. Unexpectedly he has ripped the rug from underneath your feet. You off balance. Your world keeps turning. You are stuck in this labyrinth of brokenness, no way out. You are taken back. This breakup is like a time travel for your mind and emotions. Back to square one. Broken wings. Hopeless. Lost. Crippled inside. Darkness is enclosing in on you. What was suppose to be a new beginning now feels like the end. Imagine meeting someone who knew the dustiest and darkest corners of your life. You labored and swept it clean .....but now the dust has settled again. Imagine...... Well happy broken anniversary my dear. Not that it means anything to you. Thus I guess I have to learn to let go. I thought i took part in a love story but it was just all a magic show. A illusion. So deceiving. And ps...... I thought you took my breath away. But it looks like all along I've just been suffocating on your bullshit. |
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