We all have our battles that we face every day, dragons that need slaying and often in the process this may leave deep routed scars. Life is tough but so are you darling. These scars are a documentation of what you have been through and although it doesn't mean the battle is over, if you have this far there is still hope.Stop fighting with yourself and learn to love every little bit of yourself. You need to start filing that void with things that make your soul come alive, things that can bring you peace and perhaps even a tiny bit of joy. To be happy is a hard job. One we have to sign up for and really commit to. One we have to sweat and Labor for so we can achieve perhaps just a moment of solitude, hold on to that bit of happiness when you have it and remind yourself every time that when you want to run away, when you want to quit, when you see no more light. . . That it's possible to have that moment again. I hope that one day you realize what a special and rare gift you are to the world and may you start living and loving your life, as you can create and shape it into whatever you want it to be...you have infinite power inside of you. The fight might now be over but you have strength inside of you that can overcome this. Hold on and fight. And please don't give up.
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diary of a survivor.
I have survived. Back at varsity second semester. I have a feeling these 6 months are going to be different. I can just hope that good and positive things will happen. Today i started setting daily intentions. First it was to open myself to life and the possibilities it may offer, i opened myself up to people and along todays journey met interesting ones. My second intention was to just push through,make it through the day. Although my third which was to exercise was not achieved, I WILL achieve that tomorrow. Today i realized i am grateful for this opportunity to make something of myself in life. I am grateful for my family and their love, support, and ability to accept and forgive me. The lesson i learned today is to not care what others think. Be who you are and if you not happy with yourself...CHANGE IT. We have the ability to grow and evolve each and every moment of each day. Sorry for the short post. On to the next. About 3 weeks ago, my sisters friend of 16 committed suicide by jumping off the 8th story of their apartment building. Whilst this was happening, i had to go to a clinic for 3 weeks as i was feeling a lil flat and had to regulate my new medicine. There i met a lady by the name Pauline. Me and her became best friends and i now see her as my fairy god mother. Kind. compassionate. funny. Her daughter also suffers from mental illness and started wanting to commit suicide at a very early age. This pressure, and fear based relationship is one of the reasons Pauline ended up in the clinic. The day i met her i thought she was a mother of a patient as she asked me all these questions in which we realized i can relate a lot to her daughter. The day we met i could also immediately see my moms suffering, pain, and sadness in her eyes and i have promised myself no matter what, i will fight for my life no matter what it takes. Again there was a reason for this short traveled journey which i tend to get very tired of. My sister's friends mom must be in so much pain after loosing her only son. After seeing this painting he painted before he passed, posted by his mother on Facebook, i decided to write a in-memory-of poem. I am sorry for the state I left the world in mum
I know you are hurting because I was your only son I am sorry that you had to find out that way With only a letter, with all I could say I’m sorry that you had to find me like that That the silence in my room was what drew you in in fact I know it must have been hard when you realized I was gone That when the wind came howling through my window you had to look down My blood surrounding me, on the streets of town. The sirens, the people and all the commotion The blood, the faces, "you see" -GOING- seemed like the only potion I know you might never understand But I want you to know, although invisible, I will always be holding your hand I am sorry mom that it had to end this way But I am finally at rest, and more that okay They say in order to sail you must have the courage to loose sight of the shore I just couldn’t hold on to drowning anymore And as I stood on the edge of that deck I knew my life was a unfixable wreck The sun in my face The shadows behind my back That’s where all the monsters usually like to attack I have heard people say “destroy what destroys you right” But what if the thing destroying you is yourself, and you can no longer put up a fight. I was broken. Crippled crying inside. Behind a big smile and my music is the only place I found comfort to hide. But I am finally at peace and no longer in pain And you should know you are never to blame How could you even comprehend this unexpected event? That I had decided to stop paying god’s rent. You did all you could by giving me all your love Trying to make me forget all life's stuff Just know I am smiling, filled with laughter and light Inside I am shinning so bright I know it wasn’t my time to leave yet And you are sitting with regret I am sorry mom for leaving you all alone But just know that god has forgiven me, and I have sat besides his thrown I am happy. I am free. I can now finally be. So just remember that even though you cannot see me I am there. And I am sitting beside you every time you busy with your prayer. Friday, October 10, 2014
You are reading from the book Touchstones "The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitudes." —Victor Frankl When we stand and look at a mountain, it looks awesome, majestic, and perhaps intimidating. To climb the mountain we will need to select a route. Which approach will give us success? Which will provide a beautiful view? Which is safest? What are the rewards and trade offs among the paths available? In our lives, we usually cannot choose the mountains that face us, but we can choose the best paths to approach them. One path may be a very negative attitude. It may feel safe like a narrow, protected passageway. It is predictable, but it keeps us cut off from others. Another path may be filled with too many self-indulgent pleasures and never progress in any direction. Another path may be hard and include some risks, but it allows us to be in contact with others and to appreciate the beauty along the way. When we make positive choices about our attitudes, although the mountain is challenging, we are liberated to become the kind of men we're meant to be. Today, I will choose friendly attitudes toward myself that will help me on my journey. From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher. She's the places that
she has a desire to visit. She's the pieces of quotes that are plastered in ink in her favorite books. She's the road trips she hopes to go on. She's the beautiful characters that mesmerizes her in her favorite books. She's full of dreams, and i hope they one day come true. -Alexa Evangelista So i would like to start something interactive on my blog. You anonymously send me a message on weebly or email
[email protected] May it be something you struggling with, something you have overcome, something you are grateful for, anything you feel you need to share that you cannot easily and openly share with others. It will remain anonymous but people will be able to comment and offer you some hope and guidance. We as a community of people that have our struggles, but choose to overcome and become victors every single day need to stick together and be there for one another. However, sometimes we stuck, we feel we are drowning and i would like to create something on this blog to remind you that you not alone. NOONE is alone in their struggles!!! PLEASE: send me a message send me a email or i am going to start a forum called "Not alone" at the top and i am praying that you would be brave enough to share your stories. This blog is here to inspire and help, but what if we started coming together. Two heads are better than three. Three better than four. Thank you So I realize it has been a while, wow the last post I posted was early July. Then I received a few messages regarding this awful mistake of mine, and I was like "wow I know people visit these pages, but to be asked to write more" really touched me.
Thus today I would like to speak about "the meeting between". The people you become friends with, the people you briefly meet in your wakes of life, the people from your past, the people who have deeply hurt you and then have ended up leaving you, the passing ships, the comforters, the diseased, the people you wish you never met, the people you observe, the people that inspire you....... You may be saying, yes perhaps the "people that add value" inspire, but not the people who have caused hurt and damage!!! Today through my own experiences I am going to go very deep and share with you what I have learned through all of my encounters. I shall first and foremost start with men, a woman’s weakest temptation. 1. No sex= no “anything” When I was in school I developed my first high school crush. Feelings obviously started to surface, which I never had experienced before, and yes I liked him a lot. I even considered him as my “first love”. (Or whatever you may call it) So as time went by, his family and I went to their family vacation home for a long weekend. His dad made me feel so “special” seeing as though I was the first girl they had formally met. Long story short, he tried to have sex with me. I at the time didn’t feel ready, as I had promised myself I would wait till after school, and we weren’t yet in a formal relationship. 2 days later we got to school, and that was the end of that, because I would not sleep with him. I felt worthless, used and pretty much sad. Lesson: Find a guy that realizes your worth, does not only chase you because of his sexual desires, and find someone who is willing to wait. PLUS: Well done for sticking to your morals girlfriend! 2. The 3 year relationship = toxic = abusive relationship = watsapp break-up message (wow I felt sooo special) I can’t say I particularly like to admit that this relationship added any value to my life, as it was partially the reason for me developing suicidal depression. Lesson: Co-dependency can start to develop when the relationship becomes a toxic one. A guy was willing to wait a year and a half before we slept together which in turn made me feel of value. However I learned THAT RUNNING BACK TO someone who physically abused you which I did (RAN BACK TO HIM), =disaster. 3. The “short lasted relationships/ passing ships” Yes they might be short but they can also end up in tears. Lesson: when you are vulnerable and lonely, a relationship is a no go. FOCUS ON self-love before you give your heart to someone else. Just because a guy might wine and dine you, and make promises and come forth as the “this type of guy only comes around once, he must be a keeper”= LETS GET REAL! Lesson: 1. The photographer introduced me to one of my favorite passions of today. 2. The exercise junky introduced me to exercise and wow I feel great, look great, and yoga can be very helpful when you feeling down. 3. The 20 something year old with no ambition. Just NO…. 4. The holiday romance guy= just remember you never see them again, so don’t form any attachments. 5. The wine and diner who turned out to be a woman abuser= Yes I deserve to be wined and dined and flowered up, treated as the classy woman as I am, but no I will not like being punched in the face even though you blame it on your ex “psycho” girlfriend for bringing it out of you. 6. The rehab romance Lasted 1 year. Most common conversations= depression, medication, and depression, medication etc etc. Lesson= not healthy to go for someone when both of you cant even help yourselves. Secondly I would like to start with friends. This one is easy. When you in a bad space, you attract negative people. When you in a healthy space, you attract healthy positive people. When you going through your depression please realize and understand that they don’t understand what you are going through. Conclusion: reflect. If they add value to your life= keeper. If not= dump her or him. Thirdly The people that hurt us. Lesson: See all of the above. You are great. You still here so please stop trying to kill yourself. Stop being the victim. Stop letting others have the power over you to bring you down, and make you feel of no worth. If it no longer serves you, grows you, or adds happiness to your life= let go of the heavy baggage. Annnnd…never go for the drinkers and the druggies when you feeling lonely, low, and think this is the only solution= you stronger than that. Fourthly: The inspirationalS: Yes you get your heroes, celebrities, preachers, motivational speakers, but I am talking about those people that create moments that really touch your soul. I shall give two amazing examples. 1. The homeless guy at the robots So in 2010 I started studying architecture and whilst in second year I had my breakdown and yes that’s where all the wheels came off. I was great at it though and even though I could of gone back because I had the talent and such an amazing opportunity….I did not. The other day a homeless guy stood with this little architectural model in his hands. Beautiful. Precise. Almost perfect. I told him SO, and asked him “who made it and where the materials were obtained?”, and he said he was responsible for it all. Here was someone with so much talent, perhaps even with a dream to go into the building/design industry…. but unlike me he had no opportunities. IT BROKE MY HEART and made me realize how blessed I actually was. 2. The “crazy/ cool chick at the clinic” So one day we were all sitting in the garden, people were smoking, people were talking and there sat a new comer- probably in her 40’s. We were complaining why we here, more complaining, more complaining, more complaining. Out of her silence she broke “guys let me tell you my “f&^%en story.” I sat there, embarrassed by my complaining. I realized how lucky I actually had it and that the cards that I was dealt were not even close to hers. She sat there, with courage, strength…. not looking for a pity party, but perhaps she tried to tell us that even though she had gone through hell and back…she is a victor not a victim. THE LIST COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON!!!! The purpose of this message today however, was to tell you that each person you meet is a blessing in disguise. Suuuuure sometimes I think; “wow if only I didn’t meet this or that one”, “I wish I could of known”, “I wish that person didn’t do this or that to me”. BUTTTTTT we decided to let them into our lives, we made that conscious choice and unfortunately we cannot go back. SO PLEASE go think. Every time you hating on someone from the past, think to yourself…. what did I learn out of it, what was the purpose in it all? AND if anyone remotely similar to those past “a-holes” enter your life, you know how the story ends. Yes people leave scars, which become hidden stories, but we ultimately decide how the chapter will end. NOT THEM. NOT NOW. NOT EVER. I am sure many of you will agree, these days our generation is finding it increasing difficult to know what they want to do with their lives. I then beg to question, "will some of us ever know what we really want to do!!!" Some of you are fortunate enough to figure it all out at a early stage, pursue and be happy in with what you do. For others like me, we are lost, forever trying to just figure out our passions, purpose, and with a bit of rationalization...."what is it we want to do with our lives?" In grade 10 i was set on the idea that i wanted to be an architect. People had put ideas in my head of how the profession would be, some ideas accurate/ others not. After a long process of applying to study, i got in and pursued architecture. I must say i did complain a lot about it to my mom, it turned out to be a lot different as to what i thought. None the less i had my eyes set on getting my degree and perseverance had luckily always been a very good quality of mine. After 2 years i had a mental break down, got sucked in by this horrible disease known as depression, and lost all sense of purpose and passion. There was no point to life anymore. Why would i then want to do anything if in my mind i was not planning on living very long? Its been a rough journey, 3 years EXACT from that first break-down, and as i am starting to heal, even though i still struggle with having a sense of purpose and passion, i still cannot reach a conclusion as to what i want to do with my life. Before i was diagnosed with clinical depression, i knew life was about finding a job, being secure, making money so that i wouldn't have to just "survive", AND I KNEW that even though what i chose to do would perhaps not make me very happy, i had the skills to persevere and would have to just "DEAL WITH IT." My journey has completely changed my perspective. NOW i know, i want to find something that will make me happy. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND EXCITED TO WAKE UP EVVVVVERY MORNING AND KNOW "YESSSSS!" today is going to be a great day. I LOVE WHAT I DO! Yes with every purpose or job comes the bad and the good, i have accepted that not every day will be a happy day, but as i said my perspective now has changed so much as to 8 years ago. However, if you want to be happy, you cannot ignore the financial implications of what you choose to pursue.You might love what you do but earn so little that the financial struggle ends up making you miserable. You might choose a job which is "okay", not really feeding the soul", but you know you will have money and will be able to lead a very comfortable life. So how will we ever know what we want to be, pursue, do with our lives if there is all these things we have to take into consideration?? I do not know. in fact i have no answers. However, i recently came across this video. It touched me very deeply as i even ended up with tears in my eyes. Let me know what you think!? I recently read this quotes online:
" People talk about depression like it is something weak. But coming out of it and through it, to the other side, Alive, is the strongest and bravest thing you will ever do." |
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