A word most are familiar with. A feeling, emotion, and sometimes a invisible force so strong that it affects your stomach by the butterflies it brings or your chest, and the lightness that comes from this so called thing love.
We have all experienced love in one way or another. Be it for a family member like a parent, a friend, or even a boyfriend. We have also often confused love with lust or infatuation. I am sure you have all had that "first love" even if it did not evolve into a serious thing and someone should pop into your mind right now. Then you had those relationships in between that you thought would "last forever", because the passion was so alive right? WRONG! AND THEN. unexpectedly you meet your soul mate. Through trial and error.
Perhaps you are one of those "exceptions to the rules" where you guys met online, or in a bar, or something that started as a "one night stand". Either way ,sometimes ,when you meet someone and its meant to be, you just know. Okay i have thought that before AND then shit hit the fan(thank goodness) and it didn't work out, but once you undergo severe therapy, you kind of know the right one is going to be right because he will have to fit a whole list of criteria's- (hehe. love you Lief)
When i met my love of my life it was in a clinic. Haha yeah probably the worst idea right? Well if you look at the situation carefully, there we met one another at each others worst ( i was in pj's without make-up sitting under this tree and woops this hunk walks up and i am like "girl pull yourself together") We got to know one another's vulnerable side, got a glimpse into one another's tragic past and could laugh and share our optimism about our future- the days we felt that there was hope. I was depressed and he had years behind him of working hard to support his mother (after his dad passed away), living the life, driving a audi R8 and of coarse we know what comes with that...those fun lil"Party friends" and party excursions. All this added to his nervous break-down. So here he was. I on the other hand got disappointed by a guy ( who was my best friend for 10 years, and who went and screwed the whole thing up saying he will be there for me bla bla), well his commitment (sarcasm) was so strong that it ended with me trying to overdose. So there i was. Broken. Anti-men completely. i mean the one serious relationship i had contributed to my depression big time and this new guy made me want to actually kill myself.So my thoughts were like "men are all evil" and i should try and become lesbian for sure.
Well this one just knocked through all those walls i had once again put up. At first we were trying to deny any chemistry because we both so fucked up right? Well i let you know, people who admit they need help and recovery are way less fucked up than those who are doing life all wrong and living under severe denial- yeah alcohol,coke,rave parties is just a great way to solve life's problems yo!
Well when i met him he was planning on leaving for the french foreign legion this year. And so i was like "great going chick you just know how to pick em." But what started out as a WONDERFUL friendship eventually lead to infatuation and then him telling me after 2 weeks "he loves me." Words that usually scared the hell outa me but this time it just felt right. He kept on asking me out but knowing he would leave for the army soon, i kept on saying no. Until one day- he declared that he is staying (partially because of me) i started thinking mmm...and so eventually, i asked him out.( something i would never have even considered, being a taurus and all stubborn and all.) OOH and i did it on valentines day- even more of a cliche.
Saying this relationship has been a easy one would be a complete lie. You think by uncovering one another's secrets, good traits, bad traits, ( because like they say- a man's true character is often revealed in discomfort rather than comfort), and vulnerabilities would be amazing. Well it both made us realize that we both have our own issues and route's of recovery to follow, and hoped that these two separate roads would kind of meet in the middle. It was a bunch of ups and downs. Firstly: we completely lost out on a "honeymoon period", as life is really "real" for those who need recovery and you can't afford to live in LALA land. Secondly, he realized that in order to have a healthy chance at his own recovery he would have to leave the drugs and alcohol and thus clubbing as a whole. Well me being all depro and not so much a addict was like oh fuck. Why did i fall in love with a grandpa? I mean! ( wow i was in so much denial over my own recovery thinking alcohol, jolling and drugs would just SOLVE MY PROBLEM- or maybe i was subconsciously just self harming by taking part in "normal" teenage behavior, just a bit more emphasized. )
Well crash car burn. Did we miss the mark on that one. He was a lost lil soul, walking ten steps forward then two steps back and i was like "i just wanna die die die." What a disaster! Our families were protesting get out of this relationship. The "professionals" were proclaiming that this would be considered a "toxic" or more defined "co-dependant" relationship in the world of self-help books and depression, mental health land.
Then somehow i found myself back in a clinic, suicide attempt number ummmm......
Our relationship was on the rocks, my brain was so chemically disturbed, and everything just seemed as though it was a mess. Me caught up in my own web of chaos. So i decided to end this "love affair." A relationship is between 2 people and lets just say that number kind of started increasing quite a bit. But what ended off as a wonderful break-up message and strategy with me thinking you go girl you strong in all this....and um well 6 hours later i am like sending a message "by accident" to his phone to kinda get his attention. eeeeek. Well what started out as a break-up, evolved into a break, and eventually after a few weeks of physical separation and minimum communication we decided to meet.
I was so nervous. Nervous over how i would feel or what i might not feel. But it was amazing. amazing. amazing. Here we came together, him finally on a recovery path of NA, AA, training, Moi Thai, getting ready for the close protection course later this year, waiting to hear from varsity if he has been accepted to study law. There i was finally a lil more independent in this situation with my own lil routine and plans. That weekend we met up again was the first time we effortlessly just did things to please one another without it even feeling like it. We had entered our "honey moon period", finally. Two weeks down the line and it is more amazing than ever. Weekdays we have our own weekly routines and then weekends we spend time together doing "healthy" "grown up" "couple" things.
Where a while ago we were eagerly searching for the answers to make this mess of a relationship work. Now, with just a little bit of time and self-realization we have come together more happier, in love and better than ever.
I say if you have a loved one tell them today. Love is such an amazing thing and if we only gave the attention and love to those that deserve it- truly acting out of love- instead to those that don't- purely acting out of fear. The magic manifestations that love has to offer is amazing.
My family's love and support is what has kept me alive this long. My psychologist love has been a blessing. A god sent angel. and the love between us is also magical because if it was not for her and her dedication to my healing process, i would not be here today. And my boyfriend. Through trial and error i know that even though he wont always be able to provide me with what i want ( unless i tell him, but lets face it, us woman expect men to be mind readers), his intentions will always be to do the best that he can and make me feel the best that i can. His self-love and dedication to his own recovery has also inspired me with my own recovery process. Ag and friends. Well when days are dark-friends are few.
Luckily, life has a funny sense of humor and knows exactly who to introduce into your life. ( someone who you never thought you would walk a mountain with or share a coffee with laughing for the first time in a long time)
SO don't let love fade. Because once you feel it, "catch the love bug". share it, act out on it- amazing, life changing, life saving things can just manifest. LOVE IS AWESOME.