After i have started doing research, reading books, watching motivational preaches and videos i believe we are NOT ON EARTH for ourselves, but for others. To serve others. To use the talents given ourselves for others. "to live in service, not to you, but to live in service to humanity." YOU ARE HERE still for a reason.
Lately since my birthday which was on the 30th of April this year and i was the closest to killing myself ever, i have now realized i cannot do this on my own. I am so desperate i have handed my whole life and being to God. After i have started doing research, reading books, watching motivational preaches and videos i believe we are NOT ON EARTH for ourselves, but for others. To serve others. To use the talents given ourselves for others. "to live in service, not to you, but to live in service to humanity." YOU ARE HERE still for a reason.
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So although this blog is to inspire, i wouldn't be human if i were to say i don't have my down days. Today i read a powerful message about the power of prayer and creating a prayer-chain.
Recently, i have been going through a really bad time. My depression has hit a all time low and the feelings of hopelessness and loss of faith have been very strong. I have to be honest with you and say that the thought of suicide has seemed like the only option a lot lately. I have unfortunately been sucked into that dark pit of despair and thus if you reading this i ask that you will please pray for me. I ask that you please pray for my health and wellbeing, and for God or your other higher power to please just bless me with the courage and strength to persevere. I know prayer is very powerful and thus i know that if a whole group could just pray for me, the power of it could be infinite. Thank you so much. God bless. About 3 weeks ago, my sisters friend of 16 committed suicide by jumping off the 8th story of their apartment building. Whilst this was happening, i had to go to a clinic for 3 weeks as i was feeling a lil flat and had to regulate my new medicine. There i met a lady by the name Pauline. Me and her became best friends and i now see her as my fairy god mother. Kind. compassionate. funny. Her daughter also suffers from mental illness and started wanting to commit suicide at a very early age. This pressure, and fear based relationship is one of the reasons Pauline ended up in the clinic. The day i met her i thought she was a mother of a patient as she asked me all these questions in which we realized i can relate a lot to her daughter. The day we met i could also immediately see my moms suffering, pain, and sadness in her eyes and i have promised myself no matter what, i will fight for my life no matter what it takes. Again there was a reason for this short traveled journey which i tend to get very tired of. My sister's friends mom must be in so much pain after loosing her only son. After seeing this painting he painted before he passed, posted by his mother on Facebook, i decided to write a in-memory-of poem. I am sorry for the state I left the world in mum
I know you are hurting because I was your only son I am sorry that you had to find out that way With only a letter, with all I could say I’m sorry that you had to find me like that That the silence in my room was what drew you in in fact I know it must have been hard when you realized I was gone That when the wind came howling through my window you had to look down My blood surrounding me, on the streets of town. The sirens, the people and all the commotion The blood, the faces, "you see" -GOING- seemed like the only potion I know you might never understand But I want you to know, although invisible, I will always be holding your hand I am sorry mom that it had to end this way But I am finally at rest, and more that okay They say in order to sail you must have the courage to loose sight of the shore I just couldn’t hold on to drowning anymore And as I stood on the edge of that deck I knew my life was a unfixable wreck The sun in my face The shadows behind my back That’s where all the monsters usually like to attack I have heard people say “destroy what destroys you right” But what if the thing destroying you is yourself, and you can no longer put up a fight. I was broken. Crippled crying inside. Behind a big smile and my music is the only place I found comfort to hide. But I am finally at peace and no longer in pain And you should know you are never to blame How could you even comprehend this unexpected event? That I had decided to stop paying god’s rent. You did all you could by giving me all your love Trying to make me forget all life's stuff Just know I am smiling, filled with laughter and light Inside I am shinning so bright I know it wasn’t my time to leave yet And you are sitting with regret I am sorry mom for leaving you all alone But just know that god has forgiven me, and I have sat besides his thrown I am happy. I am free. I can now finally be. So just remember that even though you cannot see me I am there. And I am sitting beside you every time you busy with your prayer. So i would like to start something interactive on my blog. You anonymously send me a message on weebly or email
[email protected] May it be something you struggling with, something you have overcome, something you are grateful for, anything you feel you need to share that you cannot easily and openly share with others. It will remain anonymous but people will be able to comment and offer you some hope and guidance. We as a community of people that have our struggles, but choose to overcome and become victors every single day need to stick together and be there for one another. However, sometimes we stuck, we feel we are drowning and i would like to create something on this blog to remind you that you not alone. NOONE is alone in their struggles!!! PLEASE: send me a message send me a email or i am going to start a forum called "Not alone" at the top and i am praying that you would be brave enough to share your stories. This blog is here to inspire and help, but what if we started coming together. Two heads are better than three. Three better than four. Thank you “Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. To make all your friends feel that there is something in them To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile. To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds. To live in faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”” — Christian D. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them "...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Mandela i came across this just today, a email sent from a friend just the beginning this year. ENJOY!
How I Prayed for Emotional Healing by Stormie Omartian Once I started walking with God I felt like my life had been a waste. I cried to the Lord saying, "Oh God, I've ruined everything. These past 29 years have been a total waste. My life is shattered in a million pieces that can never be put back together again. Oh, Lord, I’m grateful that You’ve given me hope and peace and eternal life, but as far as my life ever amounting to anything, how can it happen? In the midst of my utter distress I heard God speak to my heart words of comfort: “I am a Redeemer. I redeem all things I make all things new. Whatever you’ve lost I will restore. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter what’s happened to you. I can take all the hurt, the pain, and the scars. Not only can I heal them, but I can make them count for something.” My tears flowed without end. I wondered how could God ever accomplish all that, even though I sincerely believed that all things were possible with Him, because His Word said so. “God, I surrender my life to You. Don’t let me ever be in the wrong place again,” I prayed. Until this moment I had only received His life. But now I full surrendered mine to Him. As I viewed the failure and rubble of my past, I knew I couldn’t navigate on my own anymore. I wanted God to take my life and do with it what He wanted. He would certainly do a better job than I had done. I gradually discovered that while receiving Jesus as my personal Savior and being born into the kingdom of God was instant, allowing Him to become Lord over my life was a process. I let Him have more and more of me as I went along, but each time I thought I had given Him my all, I discovered I had only given all I could. If I wanted to live in peace, enjoying God’s full measure of blessing, I had to obey God’s Word — not in the strict, legalistic sense, but with an attitude that says, “Show me what to do, Lord, and help me to do it.” In order to live in obedience to God’s Word, I needed to find out what His Word said. So I bought a large, heavy Bible that had four different translations in it. I read the Bible from beginning to end in one translation, then began all over in another. People who saw me lugging that huge Bible to church must have thought me exceedingly spiritual. I wasn’t. Just exceptionally hungry. As my hunger for God’s Word grew, so did my desire for more teaching. Attending church once a week was not enough, so I added Wednesday and Sunday evenings to my schedule. This also opened up possibilities for making more new friends, and I found associating with them a significant source of strength and encouragement. I met my husband on a record session, but we didn’t start seriously seeing each other until we met again in church after I had become a believer. We were married about a year later and soon realized that we had neglected to take one very important step of obedience – that of being baptized in water. Jesus Himself was baptized in order to do what was right, and He commanded us all to do the same. Still cautious about doing something that was merely a religious ritual as opposed to taking a step of obedience with understanding, I studied further. I found out that baptism in water was an act of obedience by which the lordship of Jesus in your life is declared. The past is washed away in the water and you come up cleansed while it remains buried. There was nothing magical about the water itself. The power is not in the water, but in being obedient to the Word of God whether you understand it fully or not. All steps of obedience, and this one especially, carried with it the opportunity for deliverance, freedom, and wholeness, and I desired everything that God had for me. After discussing it with Michael one afternoon, we were baptized together that same night. I didn’t feel any different after ward, except that I had the joy and confidence that comes from knowing you’ve obeyed God. Still, through all the growth, I continued to struggle with depression. Oddly enough, my depression seemed to be growing in intensity. Every morning when I awoke I was plagued with thoughts of suicide. It was like a bad habit I couldn’t break. However, I wasn’t shy about asking for help at church. I was so convinced that Jesus was the answer to every need that I regularly visited the counseling office. The counsel I received always helped, but the problem of depression was never completely eliminated. I could not understand why. I had the gift of eternal life and total forgiveness from Jesus. I had a loving pastor who taught me much about God and the Bible. I had a wonderful husband and financial security, so I no longer had to work to survive. Yet I still felt like I had nothing to live for. What was the matter with me? Was a part of me missing, just like with my mother? I was still afraid that I would end up crazy like her. If I had much to be happy about and yet remained depressed, if I had everything to live for and still wanted to die, then what hope was there for me? I was certain that Jesus was the answer to my every need, and if He couldn’t help me, then nothing could. As the suicidal feelings increased, Michael urged me to call the counseling office again. I was embarrassed at the frequency with which I made appointments there, but the staff didn’t seem discouraged by this. They ushered me into the assistant pastor’s office and I told him about the length and severity of this depression, plus the suicidal feelings that weren’t letting up. He thought a moment, then said, “I think you’d better see Mary Anne.” Mary Anne turned out to be a pastor’s wife and a member of the regular counseling staff at the church. She was steeped in the Word of God and had great faith to pray for and see people set free from emotional pain. She was highly knowledgeable about people with my kind of problem and was one of the most powerful ministers of God I’ve ever met. I entered her office and sat in the chair across the desk from her. She looked up from her papers and gave me a big smile. She had a beautiful face of intelligence, understanding, and warmth, and I felt comfortable in confessing my problems and past to her. She listened for a long time, nodding thoughtfully and seeming not the least bit shocked by anything I said. “You need deliverance,” she stated matter-of-factly when I had finished talking. “Do you know what deliverance is?” I shook my head. I had heard the term but didn’t understand it. It sounded like a strange activity involving red-eyed demons and whirlwinds, but I could tell by her calm demeanor that this was not what she meant. “Don’t let the word ‘deliverance’ frighten you,” Mary Anne explained. “It’s a process of becoming everything God made you to be. Deliverance removes all the past brokenness and bondage from a person’s life so that the real you can come forth. A lot of people are afraid of deliverance because they think it will change them. But deliverance doesn’t change you; it releases you. “I’m talking about oppression and not possession,” she continued. “There are spirits that attach themselves to you. They can come into anyone’s life through the work of the devil, who has been allowed to influence our lives through our own sin. Our responsibility is to pray for deliverance from whatever oppression is tormenting you, whether fear or suicidal thoughts or whatever. Second Corinthians 1:10 says that Jesus will continue to deliver you. Deliverance is like salvation in that we don’t earn it. It is God’s gift to us.” Mary Anne had me go home and fast and pray for 3 days and when I came back to her office again she and another pastor's wife prayed for me to be free from depression and suicidal thoughts. I felt it lift. The next morning I awoke without any feelings of depression whatsoever — no thought of suicide, no heaviness in my chest, no fearful anticipation of the future. I waited all day for it to return, but it didn’t. Day after day it was the same. I never again experienced those feelings, nor the paralysis that accompanied them. I had gone into that counseling office knowing Jesus as Savior, but I came out knowing Him also as my Deliverer. So often when we think we have been given a second shot at life we expect things to be different. Easier.
Well that's what i thought as i entered into my new life after my last (6th rehab center.) We think now that we "survivors" life owes us something. That "something" which had been taken away from us for all this time. Well done, you didn't kill yourself; "here is a gold star and a guarantee that everything is just going to go the way you want" FUCK NO! i wish..... I left rehab, found God and thought i am all set. Well, just because i had 3 months to heal, does not mean your family forgets what you have put them through all these years. OBVIOUSLY....you never wish depression or the addiction to death upon anyone, and if you could go back you would of made sure things would not turn out the way they did. This struggle almost broke you, in fact it crippled you, not to mention all the people and opportunities at life you lost along the way, and lets not forget the damage done to your family. Emotionally and financially. The life after is hard. you come back realizing ; that life does not stop for nobody. who cares and who doesn't Now that you "healed" or strong enough to take the truth, people no longer walk on egg shells so that you wont go and kill yourself after every honest nasty comment, the truth kept in for so long comes pouring out. I think its also a matter of miscommuinication, misconception. My sisters probably look at me without realizing how hard i have fought for my life, them being a big part of why i agreed to try rehabilitation so that i wouldn't WANT TO DIE! they probably look at me and think wow she is happy now and we sitting with all the scars, lets lash out, tell her exactly what we think. YOU BROKE THE FAMILY! WHEN YOU WERE IN REHAB IT WAS BETTER WITHOUT YOU. instead of thinking where this is coming from, we that are so use to going into our bubble of "self-pitty" and "victim-mode" slip right back in. Do i deserve the truth? yes. Am i ready for it? NO. is anyone ever? I just came out, fresh skin around my bones, stronger, no longer a victim, but not yet a hero in your own story either. Yes you "healed", but you still get "those days", the ones where your head corrupts your whole being, your thoughts become your worst enemy, and it is so difficult to get out of bed. BUT> YOU DO! you may not be "normal" as you want to be, but you no longer as weak, you have the tools to fight this now. However when people tell you "the truth that hurts", or the plans you make are crossed out after rejection after rejection, its so easy to slip into your old ways. "POOR ME" "DOES THE FAMILY NOT REALIZE I FOUGHT SO HARD BECAUSE OF THEM." "THIS WHOLE REALITY THING JUST ISN'T FOR SOME OF US" well let me be bluntly honest. CUT THE BULLSHIT. life is not easy. it will never go a 100% the way you want it. If you have depression like me, and you have decided you tired of being the "sick" one, then stay within the role of the "less sick" one. I made a promise to myself when i left rehab, no more pitty-parties, selfish "i want to kill myself talk", i am now the victor no long the victim. Can i tell you, LIFE HAS BEEN PRETTY FUCKEN BLEEK UP TILL NOW. - i decided to start over completely- leave the "friends" who didn't give a fuck about you behind RESULT: NO FRIENDS - take a year off and spoil yourself, give back, serve god, do things you enjoy to see that life can be amazing RESULT: after how many calls, emails, research, i have only had rejection after rejection....im still stuck at home trying to find something to do -i told my family to be honest with me RESULT: "you strong now" whenever we going through whatever, even if you not involved lets lash out on you ----ME: "poor me": but today i have made the conscious decision. TO HELL WITH THAT. -how can i expect to make friends if i don't get familiar with myself first, im only now starting a healthy relationship with myself...be patient. -things don't work out, GREAT, eliminate that- god does not want that for you, try again!!!!!!! AND AGAIN. -the family lashes out. GREAT!!!! they can see how much you have improved and have taken you out the sick category, don't feel sorry for yourself, realize that they can see your improvement BUTTTTT "THEIR SHIT IS THEIR SHIT" ....FUCKEN WALK AWAY! why do you want to revert to the past? sleep the whole day? feel sorry for yourself? want to kill yourself when things don't work out? want to run away when the family says you ruined everything? i have thing to say to all of that. " na ah NOT ME. I CHOOSE LIFE. I CHOOSE STRENGTH. I CHOOSE GOD. I CHOOSE TO WALK AWAY WHEN YOU TRYING TO BREAK ME DOWN. I CHOOSE LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS AND THUS I CHOOSE WISELY WHO I WANT TO ASSOCIATE MYSELF WITH. YOUR PLANS KEEP BOMBING OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN, GREEEEEAT AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NOT GOING TO DO THIS YEAR!!!!( TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN TILL YOU FIND WHAT YOU GOING TO DO) - WE DONT SETTLE FOR LESS. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE FULL OF POTENTIAL. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE NO LONGER A VICTIM OF YOUR PAST. MOVE ON. LOOK FORWARD. and when you can feel yourself falling into the "poor me" "self-pity" party, fucken stand up, dust yourself off, and change the fucken party you were planning on going to. amen x For me 2014 isnt just a new year it’s a new beginning.
A new life that has arised after years of suffering. To me its not what will make 2014 better than 2013? . To me 2014 is the meaning of a new life, new beginnings, ….the actual question is what will make 2014 better than my entire past as this is my new shot at life. Lets say I have been reborn into this year, and although I am aware of the past…the past hurts, sufferings, dissapointments, mistakes…I cannot carry them through with me into 2014. Last year after rehab, after giving my life over to the care of god, I had to let go of every friendship that I knew….i had to start forming postivive habits out of the negative ones( yes it is still a process), I had to reevaluate and ask myself…WHO ARE you…and who do you want to be. i had to let go of a lot until my life was naked...until all i had was god. I know who I am now, but 2014 is the start of who I want to be. It’s the blank canvas to my life. All the other pages have been erased in my book of life and 2014 is the beginning chapter. What will these pages, this naked canvas include then? Only faith and trust in god, work, determination, perseverance, endurance, and patience will tell. I need to start distinguishing between the right choices and the wrong, as i know each has a different consequence. - what you sow is what you reap. I need to know myself and study myself, where in comparison to the past i knew others better than myself just because i wanted "friends" i wanted to fit in. I need to be ME, and thus i will attract the right people. Satan will still disguise the wrong one's as right and thus i need gods mercy and grace and his shelter of protection to help me tell the difference. From WHO AM I? WHO DO I WANT TO BE? i should start creating a life. So many people are busy creating a lifestyle, that they forget to create a life. OUT OF MY LIFE...a lifestyle will emerge. I need to use this as my foundation in deciding what am i passionate about? where is the end in my mind?, and just by taking that first step, i can start climbing to where it is where i want to be. Succesful but also full of significance. I know you cannot fly to the top and thus my end goal must be based on ....what does god want for me? what am i passionate about? what will make me happy? in that will i be making others happy? if i can use these questions to form the end in mind, the journey might be tough but it will be worthwhile. Goodbye 2013,2012,2011,2010,2009,2008,2007,2006,2005,2004,2003,2002,2001,2000,1999,1998,1997,1996,1995,1994,1993,1992...... hello new life. HELLO 2014!!!!!! |
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