All my life I have considered myself to be a Christian. I was raised by a Christian mother who I attended NG church with in the early years of my youth. At that stage though I had no idea what the pastor was saying or what the Sunday school was actually trying to teach me.
Later on in my life you could say I practiced my religion in various ways. Praying, reading the bible, and attending church was what I saw as fitting to secure my place in heaven. Firstly, I was the “praying Christian” who prayed out of fear, lust, and often out of quite desperation. These prayers were not continuous, and I often prayed only when it suited me. However, I never truly felt God’s presence, nor him answering any of these prayers. Many times I felt God to be very much absent in my life.
Secondly, I was the “bible-reading Christian” who “read” the bible, always questioning, analyzing, and judging the word, trying to make some sort of sense out of everything it said. I also only read the bible when it suited me, when I “had the time”.
Lastly, I was a “Sunday Christian”, often attending church not because I wanted to, but because my family asked me to. I would always leave church very much disappointed and empty, feeling as though I received no message from the service, often forgetting that we do not attend church for our own selfish-desires, but to actually praise and worship God because of his goodness.
You could say up until recently even though I always believed I am a “Christian”, I never fully understood what it meant to be one as well as what it meant to completely surrender and walk in strong faith.
My relationship with God was a continuous cycle. It often started out strong until I was satisfied enough with my circumstances or the complete opposite, angry that God allowed things to unfold as they did thus, resulting in me leaving and shutting out God completely.
The times I saw myself as being committed to God, I never truly surrendered, and only “wanted” things from this relationship with him, never truly prepared to “give” anything in return.
Unfortunately, mid 2011 I developed clinical depression. The lights of life unfortunately went off in a flash with unexpected warning. It’s been a very difficult 3 years, a fight for my life. It’s scary to think that the one day you absolutely content with living, and the next you constantly obsessing over suicide. We had tried everything; 4 psychiatrists, over 10 different medications, 5 rehabs, 4 psychologists and nothing worked. Up until the beginning of August when I had my second suicidal attempt I was a lost case. I couldn’t bear this “cancer of the soul” any longer. I needed a serious miracle.
By the grace of God he brought me to “.......” a rehabilitation centre that I attended for 3 months up until recently. When I heard that it was purely a Christian based rehab, it terrified me, as I was very angry and resentful towards the Lord at this point in time. I was very apprehensive about going, but I knew I had reached the end of my rope, and soon I would be hanging from it.
I am back. What an experience! Probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my entire life. In saying all of this however, I am truly grateful because I finally found the antidote that completely cured my depression, and transformed me into an amazing, stronger human being fuelled by so much wisdom and knowledge. After trying every single thing, the only thing that could take my pain away, cure me of this sickness was the LORD. As the scales began to fall from my eyes, as I accepted Jesus Christ into my life, as I surrendered my entire being, my entire life to Lord laying and sacrificing myself to be used as his instrument, I have never been the same.
Prayer is now a lifestyle. I no longer make decisions or act without confiding and asking the Lord was he thinks is best. I have now discovered the bible to be one of the most amazing, interesting thing ever created and written, it’s become my guide, my map of life.
No matter how much I pushed God away, you could say throughout this journey he has been relentless.
The story of my life was not supposed to end with my death. God never placed a “full stop” after my struggles, instead he placed “colon” declaring there was more to come, that this was not the end, but only just the beginning. No longer do I have to walk through the valley of death, a desolate desert, but I now walk in the light of the Lord. I am finally at a place where I truly understand what it means to give your whole life, your whole being, every little decision, aspect, to the Lord. It is liberating to know I am no longer alone in this, I no longer have to lean upon my own understanding; which landed me up in my own mess 3 years ago. Its amazing to know that the Lord will always carry me, his power will always be made strong in my weakness, and no matter what, he loves and accepts me 100%. I am his creation, perfectly and wonderfully made.
So here I am. A normal 21 year old. With scars and bruises that are unseen. However, I have been saved, I have finally found myself, I have finally begun to take a stance and not let my past circumstances define me (instead they will drive me forward), I am love because God lives in me, and he truly has turned my mess into a message, my trials into a triumph, my tests into a testimony, and a victim into a victory.